Crush

ARGH. Ridiculous. Ludicrous.

This is just plain ridiculous. You know, it's times like these that make me pine for the simplicity of my single sex secondary and primary schools. To a certain extent it seems like my old-time apprehension towards girls is actually founded on something other than prejudice. They sometimes have the stranges conceptions of romance and inter-gender relationships.

Arh...I hate dealing with crushes. It's queer, really, how I don't know what a crush is myself, but I'm learning to identify the symptoms in others. And it's kind of worrying, considering that with the present identified criteria, more people than I expected have "crushes" on me. And it's annoying, now that I know about it, to have to deal with it and get rid of any unfounded impressions. In this instance, the bliss of ignorance would only have been temporary, amplifying the chaos when the pretense finally fails, but I can't help it. I look back with renewed nostalgia to the times when all relationships were platonic and simple. When you didn't have to worry so much about what others think and feel, because guys are more emotionally resilient. Really.

It's really frustrating...from the middle of last year, when I discovered that I have no idea how to handle things like these, every time something that bears even a passing resemblance to a crush has sparked off all kinds of paranoid sirens and alarms. It's not only the anxiety of facing a new experience. But it's the prospect that whoever it is that's suffering from the crush is putting herself (or himself, for the matter) to an uncomfortable extent at my mercy. If it's supposed to be a sign of devotion, to open yourself up to seem so spectacularly and tragically vulnerable, it really doesn't work. I mean, how can you concentrate on affection (if there is any at all) if you're trying not to hurt the other person?

And that is what I'm always trying to do...not to hurt the other person, at least not in an irreparable way. It's ridiculous. I really have no interest in pursuing anyone's crush right now, but I can't just let them drop because my conscience dictates that I must avoid hurting anyone, because I still respect them even if I'm not caught up hopelessly in the throes of passion. As far as possible, to gently strip away all pretense, to somehow deliver the crushing knock on the house of cards that an intense passion can create while providing a means with which the other party can pick herself up afterwards. But how do I do it, when the other party is determined to get as close as possible, as fast as possible, and, as it seems, to throw herself with as much abandon as possible onto the railway tracks of my romantic indifference?

Urgh. Ridiculous, what crushes can put people through. But maybe I'm taking things too seriously again. People say crushes are harmless in the long run. But it certainly feels like life and death now. And I really don't want the stress of dealing with another person's vulnerability, especially with so many other things that I would very much rather think about. And if I ruthlessly throw her off, and break her heart (to use a cliche), we'd probably never cross paths again, which limits my own liability. But therein lies the problem, doesn't it? Any ruthlessness would be unjustified, at least at this point. It's most inconvenient and inconsiderate of crushers, to impose their influence on me so completely and overwhelmingly. It's my weakness, my caring for other people.

Pui Man would agree with that too. It's almost spooky, how she can come up with such an accurate diagnosis of my problem. My philosophy of being nice to everyone seems to have the tendency to create situations like this, when the wrong impression gets given to the wrong people. And I guess if I'd faced female conundrums earlier in life, then we wouldn't have to read this entry right now. It's a mixture of my personality and my inexperience that makes me so vulnerable to other people's vulnerability. On one level, I'm repulsed at this kind of baring oneself to another, this premature commitment to nothing much in reality. But on another level, there is pity, I guess. The desire to be as gentle as possible to help the other party through her malaise. But then that has the risk of making it worse, rather than better.

My traditional cure for anything like this? Frankness. But that is sometimes incompatible with gentleness. But at the same time, if one desires that level of intimacy, then one must be prepared to face the naked truth. In an ideal situation, a romantic connection would develop over time, with mutual consent. Right now I don't consent to any romantic connection. It must be the fiercely independant male in me talking. But the conventions of romantic relationships are just annoying, really, and wholly superfluous. I'd much rather have friendships nurtured over time, and perhaps a select few who have soulmate status. It takes time for one to become comfortable in another's presence, and the ultimate weakness of crushes is that they tend to jump the gun to a situation for which neither party is really prepared to handle, to create expectations for each other that are not based on realistic experience learned over time.

And that is why, though she purports to be only after friendship, I'm still ambivalent. Forcing an admission of the crush situation out of her may not have been a good idea, but at least that ambiguity has been cleared out. The thing is that this friendship is too sudden, too premature, to be lasting. Impatience is fatal to commitment. And anyway, in my experience, the most lasting relationships are the ones that are platonic. Which is why I still prefer all male scenarios sometimes, and why I see romance as a threat and a regression, rather than taking the next step, in a close friendship. This so-called "love" thing has somehow been reduced to a label, when in effect, when one strips away the frills and the pretensions, one is left only with a friendship of total mutual trust.

In short, crushes are quite unpleasant for me...I'd rather everyone just be friends, but if one insists, then I shall be forced to deny as gently as I can. I'd rather not hurt anyone, but when it comes down to it, I'd rather dispel any erroneous notions now than create a situation for calamity later.

But as a disclaimer, that's not to say that I'm putting myself on celibacy forever. Heh, there really is no way to avoid them...they form half of the Earth's population, after all. And for the most part, it's no problem to maintain platonic relationships with girls...in some ways it really is easier to start friendships with you Venusians =P And I guess this is a phase in social growth as well, as valuable as experience as anything else, a way to arm myself against similar occurences in the future. I guess, at the risk of sounding egoistic, it was bound to happen sooner or later =P I just hope that it all ends off without too much bloodshed, and with both of us all the wiser for it...

pondered by phoenican @ 31.1.05