Dream

I had the scariest dream ever last night. It involved quite a lot of Humans, and my brother. Apparently my bro was part of this research team doing a project of some sort in an old sewer tunnel under RJ. Well I was worried because they didn't really know what they were doing, and my suspicions were proven when they somehow blew up a tunnel wall and the whole place was flooded with water. After the initial alarm, me, Kats and some other guy got to the tunnel entrance, which was drained by that time.

I remember clearly saying that I dared not go in. Kats and the other guy entered, and in the meantime more people arrived...Jes and Yiting among them. Kats came back out, and I asked if anyone made it. He replied in this dazed tone that it was totally devastated inside. And then I was on my knees begging him to repeat his answer.

The next day, I was late for school, if somehow that's important. And then, strangely enough, Claud gives me a card of condolence, and it's weird because this was one of the few times in dreams that I'm able to read. And the somehow I ended up at the tunnel entrance with Jes, and we were kind of reminiscing...or reflecting...something like that. And then I suddenly remember that Greg wasn't in the tunnel at the time of the explosion, that he had been called away on some other assignment by his Council.

What's really disturbing about the dream isn't that I thought that Greg died...though when I woke up there was a really deep sense of dread that wasn't quite dispersed by seeing him walking into my room to get clothes to change into (in fact right now there's still lingering uncomfortableness, at this time at night). But it was the feelings I had, and that I was so awared that I had. There was of course the expected grief, but that didn't seem to feel very profound, almost as if I knew that I was only putting on an act. Underlying that was a sort of anticipation for all the sympathy that this tragedy would invoke...I was almost plotting how to make the best of it. And then there's the self-reflexive guilt and disgust at wanting to exploit the death of my brother so selfishly. And when I remembered that he actually didn't die, the painful spurt of relief and glee was almost vindictive, as if everyone else that did die didn't matter.

I don't know what it's supposed to say about me and my brother. I'd like to think that our relationship is closer than that...well, at least that it's closer than our days in CHS together. And I don't know where that dream came from, and why I can remember it so vividly. Reminds me of a poem we read before, the one about the kid feeling guiltily relieved that his dad died, because the sympathy invoked would keep of the bullies for a few days. But...where did it come from? I feel quite disturbed by this kind of unexpected exploration of the depths of my own psyche, as if I'd taken a submarine and descended into the Marianas Trench of my consciousness...it's horrific, but I find that part of me is fascinated by it...a bit too fascinated, perhaps. This examination of myself is too intimate for my own liking...

* * * * *

Met up with the Texprog people last night. Heh, well it wasn't a lot of them...only YS, Ben Moh, and later Angie, Zeyi and Clara. And only the six of us in that huge bungalow at the SAFRA resort, the one where we had the notorious Sec 4 end-year class party. It was a time of reminiscing indeed, what with the Texprog people together again, and going to the airport to eat Swensens for dinner (the airport is splendid now that they've renovated T2's interior!), and going back to the bungalow which is designed exactly like the one two years ago, where Kats drank half a bottle of tequila on an empty stomach =P

While waiting for the others to get to the bungalow, was chatting with YS about universities and careers. Hmph, I don't seem to be talking about much besides that nowadays. But she does have an intriguing world view, one that I'm quite amazed that anyone is still able to hold. Let's just say that it's either really noble or really naive. But either way I think it's quite admirable =) I guess to a large extent that is what makes her such a good friend - her frankness and daring and determination to do good, extending to her diet and her intrepid explorer's spirit and her dance and everything in between.

Of course, good old Moh was his usual hilarious self. Watching the two of them battle it out over the ethics of eating meat was hilarious =) Of course, I was trying to be unobtrusive, standing in the queue with them waiting to be seated, and trying to ignore the stares of the Japanese family behind us...But that's how you befriend Ben...you don't begrudge him his most unbecoming moments, because at his hands they all end up being funny =)

Hmm...didn't get a chance to meet up with the other three for very long, though. By the time they got to the bungalow I was like half an hour away from going back home. Arh...it's a pity, really. Seems like we've drifted apart, which I guess is unavoidable given the added distance of being in different schools. But it still intrigues me, how these things worked out...one from Primary School catechism class, the other from an emcee job at the sec three SMP, and these far flung acquaintances somehow found their way onto Texprog. Hopefully such circumstances will happen again...

pondered by phoenican @ 19.3.05