New Year's Eve

Bewilderment
31 Dec '04

What are these looks
Feather touches
Bumps in total innocence
Smiles and glimpses

Stolen from the chalk cliffs of our
Memory
Fossilised
Valued only because we were looking for them

What are these moments
These sparkles and flashes of insight
Taken like nectar air from the bubbles
Of the fearsome tsunami of our lonely lives

What are these surreptitious caresses
This shower of innocent arrows
This trust and openness
This intimacy that forces us to consider

The dynamite of frankness and truth
The atom bomb in a friend's arsenal
That sometimes cannot be brandished?

* * * * *

Well yes, I realise that I'd probably be really inept in Aceh or Sri Lanka or Tamil Nadu right now. But all I want is some way to help, to do my best. And now that I've seen the Red Cross boxes, there's an avenue that's open. And I just got a call from the Red Cross asking for donations on my home phone. Apparently my mum's already given quite a chunk of cash. I think I'll dig into those Christmas ang paos.

* * * * *

Well, this year has been an incredible one, I have to say. Now that we're on the last day of the year, I guess it's kind of tradition to look back now.

This year, I find myself in a whole new type of experience, with the social aspect of life taking the front seat. I guess it's something that could only happen now, with the established social base from my time in secondary school, and the separations and rearrangements that occured with the shift to junior colleges. It's created situations that are really revealing the joys and the complications of friendships.

I guess from the start I was quite intimidated by all of this...I remember writing that I was determined that JC life did not develop into an elongated Frexprog scenario. And with the novelty of co-ed, coupled with the repeated dumping back into the "minority" (from CHS) and the strange expat teachers, there was quite a lot to worry about. Heh, and I gotta admit that for the first month, I had no idea how to handle the OGs or the new class. Do you guys remember my complaints over on FOD? =P Hmm...they continued for quite a while, but after the first term, I just realised that the situation kind of grows on you...and you adapt, you know, to the new scenario. You learn to accept other people, and to live with their idiosyncracies.

And so, after the first hiccups, everything neatly fell into place. And it has been an uphill ride ever since, with new experiences surprising me whenever I started to get bored, and new people and friends that greatly enriched my months in J1. Delightful or uncomfortable, all the experiences this year have been worth it. And I'm glad that I've got such good friends to experience everything with me, and as it were, to forge into this unknown territory together. My sincere thanks goes out to you guys, at the end of this wonderful year that you have effectively shared with me.

First, there's the Humans classes. Yep, all three of them, forming in reality one family. There are some really interesting characters in Humans, and while some are really quite weird, and others I found unpleasant to begin with, it's nice to be among people who share the same academic interests and passions. And the hidden talents among our flock, and the idealisms and eccentricities floating around, and the warmth and enthusiasm with which 1A organises class outings is...entertaining, to say the least =P Sure, there have been bad times, but I guess it all comes with the experience. And special mention to 13A for their explosive zany-ness that really sets the colour of the whole cohort! And to end it all off with somethingood...not bad, in the way of a bang, after all =)

And then there're the Guitar guys, and for a short while, the RP guys too. Hmm...I would have liked to know more of you better, and the leadership position is just annoying at times with how it interferes with grassroots interactions, but it feels good to be working in this team. Heh...the guitar is really a fun instrument to play, and there are fun people to play with, so what more could one really expect? =P And RP...well, I didn't agree with how the play was put up, but it felt really good to be back on the stage again. Heh, and with the new facilities available in the new RJ (what a beauty of a stage we have!), I've got the old itch coming back =P Ah well, Guitar's concert and Lysis were moments to remember. Sharing a stage with friends is something worth remembering.

Then there're the people I met in Pre U Sem. Heh...all the formalities were irritating, and there were awkward moments (especially after my 'incisive question' backfired), but these people really widened my horizons. Now I'm even more fully convinced that the hope for progress in Singapore will not come from the top JCs, and I really don't think that's a bad thing at all. Heh...all those meals on the stools in the hall, the small room, the innane group activities, the fiery plenums and presentations, and that final night in the lounge evading capture by the prowling teachers à la action-hero...those were great moments to remember =P It was a real privilege to meet such a diverse group of people from so many backgrounds. Definitely a well-needed humbling experience.

And who could forget the people in CAP? Ahh...spending one week with no concern except literature and writing and kabuki, surrounded by fellow actors and writers. Even though that wily sci-fi woman from Britain did steal my sketchbook, and some of the writer-mentors did seem to have rather naive views of Singapore literature, other moments and people did make up for it and go beyond to make it a wonderful experience. From the witty (or lame, depending on your tastes =P) banter of Stonehenge, to the daily dose of aCAPella, to the moments in Kabuki rehearsal, to writing short stories on the spur of the moment, to our night in the haunted corridor, to the final day's harrowing impromptu Kabuki performance...yes, how I wish that I could just concentrate on writing and dump all the other subjects =P And I'm glad that the friendships we forged are still enduring.

Heh, and we get to the Frexprog and, most importantly, the Texprog people. Wow, what a month in July-August! Heh...on one hand, it was cool to be able to repeat at least part of Frexprog again, this time with new players in eerily familiar roles, and on the other hand, it was a delight to welcome a new experience with similar threads connecting it to the old Frexprog. It was the new facets and the surprising continuities that made the Frexprog-Texprog experience so unique. And it was fun to be in that frame of mind again, putting as much as possible aside so that we could entertain the visitors properly, and unwittingly discover more about Singapore in the process. That night at the Esplanade before the show, the surprising day at the Istana, that visit to the Evangelical church, the National Day stayover, all those afternoons after school and the last two nights...they were totally exciting, and still send shivers up my back =) It was great to be in an exchange programme again, and it was a decided privilege to be able to combine the two programmes. I feel that I'm really blessed to be able to be involved in both at the same time.

And finally, the Texprog experience this hols. Wow. It was not only an incredible trip, surpassing all my expectations, but it went a long way in putting ghosts to rest. Well, there were moments when boredom and despair took hold, and the Hualian trip cancellation was a real pity, but what we managed to fill up the time with and the sneak into the timetable was really rewarding, I think. Meeting Young and Yvonne's really excitable class, the walks along the river, playing A Gei on the comp, chatting with Young's family, the evening at Chiang Kai Shek, all the bus and train rides, the amusement park, the last night in Taipei...this list is really not exhaustive =P But basically, I'm really glad that this time, the experience was shared by so many friends on the trip. It was really the people who defined this exchange programme. And I hope very much that next year, I'll have a chance to go back.

Heh well...looking at what I've written so far, it's really quite an impressive chunk of sentimental trash =P But I think that all these experiences really need to be acknowledged, because they really formed the tapestry of this year for me, and alot of them were experiences that I had thought would only happen to other people. I daresay that it has really been a charmed year, an part of me is really gripped by nostalgia and sadness at having to let it pass in less than two hours' time. But 2004 will stay in memory, in writing and in photographs. And most importantly, the people of 2004 will still be there in 2005. I just hope that next year can be as fruitful as this one, as we face challenges of a more formal nature. I hope that all of us won't forget what happened this year, and that we will continue to keep in contact. In the face of constant change, let us hope that things will take their time changing, and that some things will be the same.

There is one more group of people...my closest friends and family. They've been around me throughout this year, through lots of thickness and thinness, and their support has been unfailing. Although we're more spread out now, I'm happy that at least we've managed to stay in contact. These people are really the foundations of my determination to continue hoping through this year...especially at moments like the Frexprog Two failure and the death incident. I'm glad that this year's experiences have helped to enrich everyone's lives, and to reveal more of one another, and that I've always had someone to talk to, to listen, and to rely on. It's a good feeling, to be secure in the trust of other people. And the bottom line is that I'm glad that we're still friends, and that I hope we will continue to be just so for the forseeable future...

And now, at the brink of tomorrow, while we look back, reminisce, smile quietly or mourn, remember that there is still cause to look forward with hope. Happy new year everyone.

pondered by phoenican @ 31.12.04