Depressive Phase

Written on 30 Mar 05 @ 21.32
Hmm...odd. It's the first time that I've heard of Blogger being down. The site's still up, but I can't access my account. Ah well, I guess no online diary can escape the ravages of mechanical failure. Shall post this up later.

Anyway, had a bit of a crisis today, and it's again lit that caused it. Purvis was talking about the essays, and according to him, they really stank...not enough contextual knowledge to carry out a convincing argument. Luckily enough I didn't do the essay - never have I scored well for any lit essay in my entire history. But the assertion that we haven't been doing our work really hurt, I guess. I know that such blanket declarations are not meant to apply to everyone, but there is always the nagging suspicion that it has a grain of truth in it, the feeling that despite how much I actually do, it won't be enough. It's the paranoid feeling that somehow I deserve that accusation too, at least in part.

I hope I do well enough in the passage-based, because it's more or less make or break now. I consciously used his three-step process in the exam, so if it still doesn't work then I'm really at my wits' end. A part of me is jealous, I guess, of the people that consistently do so well. They don't seem to have any trouble with lit at all...it all seems so effortless. Of course, it's my own fault for not trying to find out what I was doing right all that time in CHS...somehow lit was always simple, as long as I didn't think too much about it. But now it's impossible if I don't consciously control what I write. There it is...I think I feel that I really don't have that tradition of literary rigour that the others have.

And then there's the issue of why I should care so much about this, because it's only due to how much regard I have for lit and Purvis that I try so much as it is. In the end, does Purvis's perception of me really matter? Do I really need to look like a good lit student in his eyes? For some compelling but elusive reason his approval is really important. And that is dangerous, because increasingly I see my interest in lit being conditional on his acknowledgement of my abilities. I can see how that can be fatal in the long run.

Was in a right fit of depression, then, after lit lec, asking myself why exactly I put so much effort into a subject with so little return so far. But that was all corrected by a trip to Toa Payoh for lunch. Heh, that town has grown so beautifully since I moved away when I was two, and then my grandma moved away when I was in the middle of primary school. It's positively an eclectic mix, with old apartment blocks with new additions, new landscaping and new layers of paint. It makes for a really colourful combination. And because of its age you can positively taste the character of Toa Payoh in its inhabitants.

Walked through the old town centre, and how much it has changed! One end of it has the HDB Hub looming...the other end the white block of the Library, still the same after all these years. It's like walking along a timeline, because the promenade's been remade and repainted, but the cramped stores and the spirit tree in the middle are all so familiar. Anyway, went to the library plaza (the nicest plaza I've seen in Singapore) to have mutton soup and teh cino. Fantastic simple fare. The mutton soup is burning and thick, and the sweet milky teh cino just offsets the spice, and makes for a delicious finish. Really, we shouldn't just stay at J8, when such a rich town centre lies only a ten-minute bus ride away. Makes for a great relief and change from Pastamania =)

Anyway, was eating lunch alone today, which was really calming, after the crisis in the morning. I guess now that I can safely choose to be alone or with other people, time alone seems more valuable; it's no longer forced upon me. And when you're alone, you can appreciate so much more of your environment. Getting lost in the crowd is a nice feeling, as Vye would know from today's passage about her escape to the dance. A quiet simple lunch, then a quiet read in the library, and sweet safe solitude with me and my thoughts. That's about as tranquil as things can get in Singapore, and quietude is to be found in the crowds.

And then it was back to school for guitar prac, which was cool. We're now playing four songs simultaneously, and the SYF pieces are coming together well, I think. We're still not up to Gold standard...Yu Hsin thinks we'll only get a bronze at this point. But I'm beginning to enjoy this process. Now with more urgency, you can really feel things going forward, and the pieces are instilled with more excitement and depth. From the melancholic swaying melody of the Aria to the fast pace of the jazz piece, and the cool new chord progressions for Quien Sera and the funny base line of Jota, it's all really nice now. I had no idea that I could do that much with a guitar, and with brand new strings, things are sounding great =)

On a John Mayer craze now, ever since on the kelong Thong let me listen to some of his songs. He has this interesting melodic progression that goes all over the scale, but still fits into some sort of chord pattern. "Daughters" is sweet with a nice-sounding guitar part, but my favourite must be "Wheel", which is so deeply melancholic and strikingly lyrical. A part of me wonders what it must feel like to be in those shoes, but another part of me admits that I know already, at least in part. Airports are indeed such bittersweet places when you remember. And it's relatively easy to play on the guitar, so I'm working on those two songs now. They're great stuff.

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Written Today
Fwah...what a relief. I had no idea that the lit thing was worrying me that much, but once Purvis said that I did alright, it's like a weight has been lifted, and the guillotine blade removed. Well, he said there were bits that were wonderful, which to me is quite enough, really. It means I'm doing something right. I've just got to figure out what exactly.

Thong got this really hilarious book called The Bunny Suicides, which is quite a gruesome comic book. Heh, the girls couldn't stand reading it, except Mel, for some reason =P I like how the guy uses the snapshot at a critical juncture to make you wonder what will happen after the instant drawn...like when a stack of rabbits line themselves up between a guillotine blade and Robespierre's head, or when a rabbit makes the peace sign in the midst of a rank of saluting Nazis. And most interestingly is how we are also compelled to think forward, to what happened before...why the bunnies are going through so much trouble to die, and why they want to die in the first place.

Hmm...I think I'm on the verge of sinking into one of those depressed periods when school is particularly tiresome. Gotta drag myself out of this mood of constant irritation. My classmates don't deserve to bear the brunt of it.

Anyway, was reading my cousin's blog, and was struck by the amount of Hardy that she unwittingly wrote:

"let me state a fact: we r gurls.. we would like to share ur burden.. be treated like a buddy.. be pampered... we r not ur maids... we dun ask for romantic happenings everydae.. but at least surprise us wif a rose or wadeva occasionally... DUN BLAME US FOR GOING AFTER FOREIGNERS and leaving u guys to go for vietnamese or china brides... we go for dreams... we go for shakespears & romeos... NOT wu song nor batman... we dream to b cinderellas... and if u all insist on shattering our dreams... of coz we will venture far and wide to fulfil our dreams."

I hope she doesn't mind me quoting. But is that Eustacia Vye or not? It's surprises like these, the abundant wisdom that resides in the most unassuming people, the profundity in the simple, that sustain my faith in the wider population...if we thinkers and leaders manage to screw up Singapore, these people will survive. And we can only succeed with them.

pondered by phoenican @ 31.3.05