Lit S Aftermath

Bleah today's Lit S paper was heartbreaking. I was thoroughly dissatisfied with my treatment of one of the essay questions. The PC was okay, and so was the question I did Olds on, but neither was fantastically insightful, in my opinion. In fact, the Olds poems I used were probably too well-matched, so they end up saying practically the same thing. No point of contradiction on which to build a satisfying synthesis. Anyway, the novels question was a complete washout, I think. The question was on the treatment of time, memory and loss, which is exactly the perfect question for Atonement and Gut Symmetries. But the PC was on memory too, and I think I used up all my big ideas for the PC. Which meant that I should have chosen another question. But started on it because it was one of only two questions well matched to my material.

This paper seemed almost tailor made for my works. One question on family relationships pointing obviously to Olds poems. Another on temporality pointing obviously to the novels. And a PC that touches on one of my favourite topics to boot. But in the end, the showing was really not impressive. The novels essay was so pathetically disordered that I had to stop myself halfway in order to reset my train of thought, to prevent it from going in circles. And at the end, I have the feeling that I only managed to scratch the surface of this issue.

The thing is that with regards to memory, I seem to be obsessed with its impact on life, but not on how it's created, or what actually constitutes it, and what is its function in life. As such, my interest in memory is mainly self-indulgent, reflecting always on my own memories, not questioning how they come to pass, or why they have such an effect on me. So, when it comes to doing an entire essay on them, I end up basically saying how memories are good and powerful and poignant, but I don't consider why they are so, what function they serve in a book. Added to that are the really good quotes that are scattered throughout both books; there are so many quotes that I don't know which to use, and only write randomly, depending on which quote I happen to come across when flipping.

It may be that the novels are too dense to lend itself to such detail for 1 hour of work. What I know now is to do the novels question first, to make sure that I have all my big ideas available to be employed in the essay. And not to do something that I like too much, because it could get self-indulgent and blind me. It's very hard to impose order and clarity when your material is so bountiful, and you like the topic so much that you try to include everything. All in all, today was very bad essay-writing style. And all that novel-preparation wasted. I have this disgusting feeling towards myself, for trying to show off too much and in the end ending up not doing justice to two great works.

Bleah...hopefully Hist S will be more forgiving. One good thing is that the remaining papers are in the morning, which should protect me from my usual afternoon drowsiness. After Lit S today I realised I could not unfocus my eyes, they had been locked on to the paper for so long. Really fathiguing, the need to construct so many ideas into so many essays in such short notice.

Oh well...prelims coming to an end soon. Two papers left. Now that deliverance is in sight I guess we should make plans, start talking Yalta so the postwar world will not have its power vacuums. I know what I'm going to do immediately: pick up my guitar again and spend at least one afternoon doing nothing but playing it. I miss that six-stringed instrument. And I want to play Risk again too...And there's Kats's party, and perhaps a peek at Be With Me too. Ooh Harry Potter 4 has a new trailer out, and it looks fantastic. I thought Cho Chang was Vietnamese...she looks positively Chinese in the trailer. But at any rate, I must say that she is rather pretty. I wonder where they found her from...

In other news, this morning got a pleasant surprise SMS from Taiwan. Heh, I can't say that I managed to understand all of it...there were two ci2yu3s that I couldn't figure out, even when translated into jian3ti3. But still, it's nice to hear from Texprog Yvonne again. Apparently the shirts I sent off a month ago have arrived. Hmm...everytime I send sea mail it seems to get slower. But all the same, I can't think of a better time to receive it. It's a good counterpoint to a rather bleak afternoon.

I wonder how they are now, the Taiwanese. They should be approaching their big university exams too...sometime next year if I'm not mistaken. I do hope they're keeping safe, and keeping happy. Lately have been plagued by bouts of moroseness...reflecting on all these people that are so far away, and yet still connected in memory (here I go again). And at times, I really really want to see them again, to step out of this Singaporean way of life and slip into the exciting, fast-paced, and most importantly, unknown Taiwanese mode of living. Those were good times indeed, especially compared against the current situation of prelims.

I have a feeling, I think, that I need company, to dispel the gloom of the exams, to ensure that the real world still exists outside of school, the real world that continues unperturbed by our exertions. To Conrad, the implacable jungle was disconcerting. Right now, I find it rather comforting; that I am not capable of changing some parts of existence and thus don't need to be responsible for them. It's a nice feeling, to know that however much you screw up, life will still go on, and there are limits to the damage you can do.

pondered by phoenican @ 20.9.05