Resolution

Once again, thank you everyone for your kind words. It's going to sound sentimental, but they have been instrumental in pointing the right direction out of this mudslinging and trash. Puts things in the right perspective, that at the end of the day, it's still people who matter.

Yesterday night was...interesting. Like I said, was investigating the physiological effects of extreme duress, and one of them was to totally kill the appetite and send me to bed with a splitting headache. I shan't scare you guys with the details of the exorcism...it's just that right before going to sleep, suddenly there was a painful jerk and a sort of exhilarating pain, as if God had finally lost patience with me and yanked the whole affair out of my hands. Catharsis? Exorcism? I don't know. I was in the middle of a round of prayers. Hmm...but after it happened I suddenly fell asleep, so if this was God's doing then he derailed my endeavours towards a higher divinity...

Mmm but this morning was much better. With one night's distance between me and the affair, and with the spatial distance of not being in school, everything fell into its rightful place. Opening today with watching the news was a good idea, as it turned out. It's hard to pick at this issue when you're hearing about the devastation in the Himalayas and in the Amazon. Everything jumps into its correct focus. And downstairs, people were clearing up after a funeral. And then, the whole of yesterday starts seeming rather self-indulgent, with me wallowing in my self-pity.

At this point, I would like to reassure everyone that I am all right, for the most part. I am functional and studying for my A Levels, and everything is proceeding as it should be. What seemed impossible yesterday, I have been able to reduced to bite-sized chunks today, and I am determined not to bother anymore about this stupid thing. Heh, even talked to P about this, which was rather weird, to tell the truth. Hard to overcome the barriers of position and prejudice to talk frankly. But absurdism has always taught us how important clear communication is. As to that, therefore, a working relationship has been restored. Respect has been restored. Trust, though, has to be rebuilt over time. I find that with regards to him, trust lays me too open to unexpected turns in mood. It is dangerous to take him that seriously.

And as for J, I hope never to cross paths with her ever again. That should be no problem, considering that I don't plan to return to school (that is now not so much because I can't stand school, but because it just isn't a productive use of limited time). Can I forgive her? Well, I guess I can. In fact, I think now that it takes too much effort to nurture a vendetta. But forget - no, I don't think so. It'd be idiotic to forget. I shall remember what she did, if only to know how to recognise it in the future and cut it off before it has a chance to blow up in the faces of innocent people.

The main toll of this whole thing, after all, is the people. It has placed too much stress on too many people. It is astounding, really, to see what one person's self-centredness can do to so many people. In fact it seems even the teachers have to go out of their way to try to resolve this issue so everyone can return to more important things. This cost is why there can be no practicable reconciliation between me and J now. The infliction of such wanton suffering is just plain disgusting; quite frankly, this relationship is not worth saving. Eliot is right, after all: the superior morality is the one that takes into account the most people. It'll take lots of argumentative acrobatics to convince me that her viewpoint takes into account anyone other than herself.

Oh well. In other news, however, discovered a nice place to study today, with Joel and Lucas. I promised not to reveal the location, in case it gets flooded with people =P Hmm...interesting, to catch up again with Lucas. He seems to have ended up doing the stuff I'd never have expected him to get into - first Higher Chinese, and now Econs and Maths. What happened to Lit? Anyway, it's nice to be out with real people once again, tackling the familiar task of studying. It's a refuge in Marlow's rivets, as Shoojee said. It feels normal, it feels worthwhile, it feels real. Mmm and reading s-urreal and april-da-fool's blogs grounds me back in the familiar. Enough with living in this ludicrous limbo. I'm eager to get back to normal life, and find my way back to real life again.

pondered by phoenican @ 12.10.05