Thoughts on Home

Almost over! Only the S papers left, and then the whole thing can descend into the mists of ancient history.

Nothing much to report, except that it's heartbreaking to see people brought low like hat by a single symbol on a piece of paper. It's almost totemic, the way we are drawn to that A, the way we seek it like the truth. Well, perhaps not like the truth, but the ardent chasing is rather misplaced, I think. One must remember which things are the important ones, in order not to go crazy over the silliest things.

Honestly, I don't think I deserve the highest marks I've gotten for Lit. The Silas Marner thing was the messiest essay of that paper I think, and the Native piece I was deeply unsatisfied with because I lost my train of thought in the middle. And for Lit S, the novel essay, I've already said how disappointing it was to write. The thing is that I know that I should have written better to do justice to the works I'm writing about. Well, one can say that the marks are not a measure of how well we praise the literature, but how we write essays, but still, it feels decidedly fake if you can get away with plodding without getting to the meat of a book's big ideas. Now and then there are flashes of guilt at having gotten so high for something that I didn't think was that good to begin with.

Lit exam returns don't really make much sense in that way. The worst essays I've written got the higher marks, while A&C was the second-lowest in the range, though I spent the most time on it. The only one I was really satisfied with was the Frost one. Now it's time to figure out why exactly did the teachers think I should have gotten those marks.

Now that almost all the exams are back, it's also time to start thinking of the next round. The priority now is to start memorising enough stuff to write lit essays with, even with a bit of memorisation thrown in to smoothen the process of writing Lit S work. The most urgent of that task is to generate the Quote Thematiser for Heart of Darkness. One last fling at compilation.

* * * * *

What do you do when people you don't know start to stop you in the corridors to congratulate you? Sometimes I don't even know rightly what they're talking about. Strange, very strange. And what can you do but to accept as graciously as possible and hope that they'll drop the subject like a hot coal?

I don't want to be paraded as some kind of academic poster boy. I've got better things to do.

* * * * *

Well, nothing to report really. Yvonne came over today to register for the SATs on my comps. Well, there's an indominable spirit that is well worth admiring. It really does take a lot of determination to stick through Chinese Lit and all it requires. And to pursue French A by herself effectively, it's like taking a third S paper, from what I gather. There is sheer power and potential behind her that sometimes I do find, frankly, unsettling. The only thing now, I think, is for her to find a way to connect her determination with a way to achieve what she wants, and she'll be off to better things.

Thong and I were talking about Singaporeean society and culture today. I agree more or less with what he says, about the deathliness of Singapore society. To be sure, it seems to be a rather fashionable opinion to hold nowadays. But I still have faith in the Singaporean people, as in real people, who don't have the luxury to leave this island like we do. They are the people who are stuck with this place, and this culture, and they are the people who will make it work. Part of why Be With Me was so poignant was because Eric Khoo found enough fragments and scraps in the Singaporean society to weave a story out of; it is these scraps that I think will persist, and will form the bedrock of Singaporean society. The seeds of a Singaporean character, even if they are tiny and weak. I don't think all hope is lost for Singapore's society yet.

I don't really understand how some people can think of leaving Singapore permanently so lightly. How is it that some people can divorce themselves so easily from all that bind them to this little island, the memories, the quirks, the people? Singapore definitely has its drawbacks, that is undeniable, but all things considered, I will not leave this place unless I can take all of my people with me at least, if I can't take all parts of what has so far constituted my life. My family, my friends. I will not be able to bear to leave them all, if leaving Singapore entails that.

Heh, speaking of homes, Claud's housewarming tomorrow. Looking forward to it =) It'd be nice to take a breather after these two rather gruelling days.

pondered by phoenican @ 30.9.05