Boredom

Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored.

That didn't help much.

Heh...it really isn't that bad. Relishing the feeling of having not enough stuff to fill the whole day now. The only thing is that I wish I didn't feel guilty when I'm stoning, because we all know that though the war is effectively over it's not won yet, and there's always the suspicion that you could be missing out on something crucial that could make or break your future. And so though I'm out of things to do I still think I should be doing something. And then I go over my old stuff, again and again.

It's not too bad also because it's lit, and lit is fun. Has been fun so far. The papers have been rather kind to us, they've been doable, and they've been instrumental in restoring my self-confidence especially after the History papers. Been doing Conrad and Albee, and the latter especially is fun because it feels like you're memorising a script to be performed. Linguistically Albee is no Shakespeare, but his plot is designed so intricately that analysing quotes is so much more exciting. You keep uncovering patterns that are substantial enough that you can't really ignore them as accidental and not intentional on his part.

People still focused on the exams though. I wonder if it's usually like this, across the cohort, and over the years. Is it that people will only breathe a sigh of relief when the last paper is over? What then? Do people just switch channels, and then four weeks worth of repressed energy just explodes in an orgy of ecstasy? Nowadays I can't focus on the exams anymore, because there are so few left, and none of them connote anything particularly threatening, and the end is in sight, and it's so much more beguiling than the present.

Hmm...I guess I wouldn't be writing this if I were not in the position I am in now. A lot of strange things intersected to produce this situation. There is no denying that I am blessed and fortunate (from a certain point of view at least). And yet, when I try to imagine myself without all these grades, without all the confidence that everyone seems to have in me, I still can't see myself that tightly focused on the exams. It hasn't been a big thing in this family. I guess you could say that my position now is an accidental byproduct of my family just demanding our best from each of us, and nothing more, nothing less. No matter what, though, there's something that we all keep intact - a sense of perspective.

Anyway this should be the end of my whining about having nobody willing to do anything but study. From tomorrow onwards till at least Saturday I've planned stuff to do. Do the reading for Hist S (find the Annales books again and get reinspired, and maybe do a spot of I Hist reading too), then do the Lit S quote thematisers (how else does one prepare for that exam?). Should be a nice pace, leaving much time still to do other stuff, and to prevent me from getting bored of the studying in turn.

* * * * *

And to think a year ago I was in Taiwan. Hehheh, those were good times...good times. I do miss the kids, and Young's family too. It was really a magical time, though it was short, and I don't think I was ever happier than when I was there. Everything was just in place. You don't expect such powerful relationships to form over a period of two weeks, but maybe, maybe, because of the shortness of the time everyone was more dedicated to the whole endeavour, and every moment was thus intensified. To be sure, everything was vivid at the point of time.

Adventure. Friendship. New faces, new situations. The lure of the unfamiliar. I think that's what I really want now. Not exactly boredom (though boredom is a really nice novelty) but...carefreeness. Yes. To be carefree. That was why Taiwan was so great.

pondered by phoenican @ 21.11.05