Busy-ness

Well, the busy-ness continues. Caught up in Guitar stuff, mostly, and the last vestiges of Kwok's SBQ, as well as continuing Ihist readings. Guitar pracs have been getting really slow, it's because we're getting really tired of our SYF songs, I think. And no surprise...we saw the problem coming when we started on Bachianas in Dec. We just didn't know what to do about it. And now I think that our pracs are degrading, our standard isn't remaining at the high levels we attained in the previous week or two. Arh...and it's hard, to work up the discipline and enthusiasm to play with heart, to play with the flair to make the performance convincing. Every time you appear on a stage, there are certain conventions that must apply, and the most important of all, I think, is to make your presence felt. Even if we manage to maintain our musical quality, I don't know if we can apply ourselves to stage presence.

Worried about Guitar SYF. The first time I'm doing a musical SYF, and I'm quite surprised really that it seems to be so slack. Maybe it's cos one's role in an ensemble is distinct and well-defined, not like the roles that have to be covered in a drama production. Maybe being among a large group onstage removes some of the urgency and uncomfortability of the moment. Maybe it's cos Guitar SYF isn't as competitive as Drama SYF. But I really do think that it doesn't feel urgent enough. We slogged so hard for Drama SYF, only to get Silver both times...and we haven't approached that level of strain for Guitar SYF (at least for the average player). Gaspar and the old RIGE people assure me that it's not out of the ordinary, but I can't find it in me to regard that reassurance as credible. I do hope that I'm worrying about nothing, though, as contradictory as that may sound.

Anyway, once again I'm fed up with speaking up in Purvis's lessons. I wonder what makes him think that I don't mind the whacking I always (well, not always, but it sure feels like that) arouse when I say something. By rights, of course, I should not mind, and I try not to mind, but I'll be the first to admit that I also have a rather troublesome ego that hates to get hurt. I try to be humble, but I can only tolerate looking stupid to a certain degree. And I find it impossible to argue back with him. He said today that sometimes I look at him as if I think he doesn't like me. It's not that. I look at him that way because I don't like how he treats what I say. It makes it seem like there's no point in me saying anything, because it won't change anyone's viewpoints. Yes, it is anti-intellectual. But how will you argue that what I talk in class actually makes a difference, the entertainment value aside? If I must look stupid, at least let it be useful. And I'm sure that I only talk a lot, and don't really say anything. Making lots of noise to cover up some other deficiency.

And anyway, people seem to be picking up the conversation themselves. Perhaps the time is coming when I won't need to say anything anymore, and someone else can actually make a constructive contribution, and take up the formidable task of trying to change Purvis's views. Me, I'm out of patience.

Looking for someone to talk to me intellectually. Every morning's train ride is kind of like an adventure in the hopes of meeting Kels and chatting on the walk to school. It's a beautiful thing to see, a sharp mind in operation.

And yet, I would like to stay with the normal people. Stimulated by genius, but with my feet on the ground. Life is more interesting at ground level, I think, and anyway, it's good to understand what and how they (or we, I'd like to think of myself as a simple guy in an extraordinary situation) think. The intellectual environment offered by Humans classes is intriguing to no end, but I still think that all that philosophising and thinking is only justified if it is useful in the context of the normal people, in deciphering and perhaps improving their experience of life. When intellectual life distresses me, it is normal life that reinvigorates my faith, irrational to be sure, in goodness.

Had lunch in Toa Payoh again today. Heh, having that mutton soup always cheers me up, and being in Toa Payoh makes me feel much safer than being in school. Crossing that flyover from Braddel Road into Toa Payoh felt like leaving a huge weight behind. And then after Hist S went to shop for books in Bras Basah, getting really down and dirty into the piles with Mel, Chern and Matt. The result - two poetry books (one of Whitman's works!) and a script anthology. Really indulgent, considering how little time I have to actually read beyond the syllabus as it is. But still, feeling worn pages, smelling the musk, handling the stacks and stacks of paper...yes, it feels good to retreat from school.

And then when I reach home, the pasar malam they set up along the main street was finally in operation. Things like these really attract the Simei crowds. Hehheh, though the market had three stalls each selling roadside snacks (Ramly Burgers!), fruits and drinks (all with fixed prices, so one wonders why a hundred metres of street needs three stalls selling the same thing), and it's really restricted only to one area of sidewalk, plunging into the throngs felt really therapeutic. The one stall that attracted my attention was the drink stall that sells Coke in glass bottles imported from Thailand. But the feeling was refreshing...all the people out in their home-wear and pyjamas, families and kids milling around, the shopkeepers hawking their wares, tacky Chinese opera music blaring over loudspeakers. If I focused on the stalls and ignored the HDB blocks behind, I could easily reminisce about the night markets in Taipei. The crowd was anonymous, but it was friendly. It felt like the crowd was a bit unsure of what to do, pasar malams are so rare nowadays, but it was warm. The atmosphere, and more importantly, the people. The simple pleasures in life are what's keeping me going now.

pondered by phoenican @ 22.4.05