Love and Music

After the weekend Soph and I were continuing our discussions about the nature of young love yesterday after school and this morning. Hmm...I didn't expect other people to understand my argument at all, let alone agree with it. But these conversations have been intriguing.

However, I fear that I went a bit overboard with my zealousness towards the subject. Personally I have no problems with romantic relationships, as long as I'm not one of the two parties most directly involved. But it was the surprise at finding someone else (Soph) that agreed so completely that made me push my point, I guess. The thing is that this isn't the complete picture. My observations and empirical studies have shown me that there is nothing much to be gained from transforming a friendship into a BGR, and anyway BGRs are so fragile and entail so many responsibilities that it's quite a putoff altogether. But the other side is a part of me who hopes that I'm wrong. My reasoning shows something that my instincts don't really feel happy accepting as the truth. Idealism, perhaps. Sentimentality. But it's not romantic, that much I am certain, at least not in the terms that are understood by us now.

It's funny, how we delight in dissecting this phenomenon on such an empirical and rational level. Developing theorems, guidelines and hypotheses to explain why, for all its drawbacks, people keep getting involved. You could say that it was a bit of an orgy of introspection. In the end the notion of relationships being a deeply personal thing is the last refuge for the young lover - and it is notoriously unassailable. And a part of me doesn't want to push too hard...I would like to believe I am wrong on some level, and I definitely don't want to risk finding how the extent to which I could be right is far greater than I expected.

But I think the most satisfying thing about these talks was not the conclusions provided (Grace had a compelling argument...although in essence she wasn't saying anything different from the others who have been attached before, her conviction makes it more convincing somehow...because it's not so much "I guess", but "I know". Deep belief is a tried and tested debate technique.) but that the conversations happened at all. It's interesting, to see things working out this way. I'd thought that something so ruthlessly and determinedly probing could only happen between soulmates. Of course, it could be that I was wrong, or it could be that I''ve just found more people who can classify as "soulmates". I don't particularly like the implications...that soulmates are less permanent than I assumed, but for the time being, the familiarity and frankness was refreshing. Standing at the airwell leaning on the green handrail looking down on passing students and discussing romance...I had despaired of finding instances like these in RJ. It turns out that perhaps I had only been looking in the wrong places.

It's nice to be able to walk out of class, meet someone in the corridor and expect a frank conversation to happen with a minimum of political considerations and pretenses. Where trust engenders the mutual acknowledgement that nothing is in fact at stake. Frankness and truth. Rare commodities in this here environment and time.

Anyway...I think I've used up my sappiness quotient for the month. Wrote a rather incisive and frank letter to clear up yet another romantic misunderstanding...but under the conditions it was rather hard to maintain the right tone of voice, and I found myself resorting to the cliches of cheap romance flicks to do the talking for me. Bah, and then I go and lose it in school. All I can hope for now is that it was not picked up by anyone, and the driving rain of the past few days have destroyed it. I always liked writing letters, but this rather Hardy-esque episode of misplaced correspondence has convinced me that for things of such sensitivity, we should not hide behind ink and paper, and confront it face to face.

On to less emotional topics...Guitar has been becoming really fun. I love our mass pracs with Mr. Gaspar, our professional conductor, because he has the rigour, and he knows what to look for, and he's just a nice person overall who can keep your self-esteem up...and he's like a bottomless well of encouragement. The only drawback is that sometimes I think he panders to us too much, as in he doesn't tell us how bad we really are, qualifying and moderating all his criticisms with encouragement. I think we do need to be told frankly where we stand in terms of playing quality, and not to have our evaluation of ourselves elevated falsely. Humility is important in a performer, as it is in everyone.

Gaspar says that we're improving steadily, and we'll peak at the right time and have our best performance on SYF itself. I'd like to think so. I sincerely hope so, because at this point in time I don't think we're precise and powerful enough with our playing to be a truly remarkable ensemble. But what do I know...I've never played in a musical group before, and heck, I can't even read the notes =P I gotta admit, all the same, that it has been getting better. We're really beginning to understand as a group what it is to appreciate the moods of the music...for the jazz piece and the Aria, we're adding instinctual showmanship in terms of body language. And I finally get what he means by feeling the music...especially for the jazz piece, where there is an almost instinctual appreciation for the interplay of melodies and base-line and rhythm. I sincerely hope this is enough...that our appreciation of the art of performance, and our genuinely having fun with the pieces, will be enough to spur us to higher performance standards. And we all know how peaking on the competition day itself is so unlikely. I'd feel safer if we overshoot the standard needed. Drama SYFs have demonstrated adequately that there are no guarantees on how you interpret performance standards.

Anyway, Split Screen Sadness is a great song! I read the lyrics last night, and was stuck on the song for half an hour playing it over and over again. But for the rather unfortunate and cheap title, I think it's really poetic. And evocative. Sometimes I wonder what I am missing out, really. The loving relationship produces so much art that some part of it must be worth experiencing.

Split Screen Sadness
Heavier Things - John Mayer

And I don't know where you went when you left me but
It says here in the water you must be gone by now
I can tell somehow
One hand on the trigger of the telephone
Wondering when the call comes
You say it's all right
You got your heart right

Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on your porch til' you come back home
Oh, right
I can't find a flight

We share the sadness
The split screen sadness

Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight

All you need is love, is a lie cause
We had love but we still said goodbye
Now we're tired, battered fighters
And it stings when it's nobody's fault
Cause there's nothin' to blame at the drop of your name
It's only the air you took and the breath you left

Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on your porch 'til you come back home
Oh, right
I can't find a flight
So I'll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right

We share the sadness
(Two wrongs make it all alright)
The split screen sadness
(Two wrongs make it all alright)
We share the sadness
(Two wrongs make it all alright)
Split screen sadness
(Two wrongs make it all alright)

I called
Because
I just
Need to feel you on the line
Don't hang up this time
And I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you'd fought me 'til your dying day
Don't let me get away
Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
So I can say that this is the way that I used to be
There's no substitute for time
Or for the sadness
(Two wrongs make it all alright)
The split screen sadness
(Two wrongs make it all alright)
We share the sadness
(Two wrongs make it all alright)
The split screen sadness
(Two wrongs make it all alright)
Oh and the sadness it's a ride, it's a ride
(Two wrongs make it all alright)
Oh and the sadness it's a ride, it's a ride
(Two wrongs make it all alright)
Oh and the sadness it's a ride, it's a ride
(Two wrongs make it all alright)
Oh and the sadness it's a ride, it's a ride
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight

pondered by phoenican @ 5.4.05