These Few Days

Hmm how odd...these few days have been going up and down, seriously. Went back to school on Fri to collect results and everything, and now I think the affair has taken a turn for the worse again. People get the wrong impressions, I guess...the tragedy of the experiential gap, the isolation of imperfect perception. Bah. How some people misconstrue things.

Ah well, but feeling better today, after going to church. That place always provides the timeliest advice. Actually I think that the church is actually more humanist than some of the Protestant denominations. There is really no point at which church teachings and Purvis's most militant views are mutually exclusive. Sometimes I wonder how come he has that view of Christianity, and yet, he's a better Christian than some of us. Anyway, finally found the strength to let it go, and now I feel much happier. The whole thing was really poisoning every moment of my life. Well, at least every idle moment. It gets annoying when you're trying to memorise bits of Silas Marner, and suddenly this gout of resentment comes out of nowhere to whack you off-course.

Yesterday was...good, I guess, all things considered. May I state at this point in time that I don't hold anything against my class at all. Typically I don't put much significance on a class of people, this arbitrary collection of individuals in a room. A class is only the alphanumeric designation for the abovementioned group to me. What is important is the people within. And to that end I am on good terms with them. There is no schism.

It is just that I sometimes like to be with other people. I've already spent so much time with them. And anyway, these people do tend to stress me out, quite frankly. The pressures of performance. It's just that I want to get a different flavour of life sometimes, a different mood. The class's people have grown on me, as in I can work with them, I can care for them, and all that, but taken as a social unit, the class still feels rather surreal to me. Detached from the real world. And something keeps prodding me to tell me that I'm not supposed to be there, in that high-octane super-achiever world.

Heh poor Soph...I'm afraid that my situation is stressing her out too much. I do feel that I've impinged on my friends a lot these few days. Soph the voice of rational distance, Joel the familiar distractor. For these people I do think that things will not return to normal; they can't pretend that I didn't ever suffer a virtual psychological collapse on them. But they're sporting people...they'll play along with me =P Good thing for me that I had them handy; but I'm beginning to see how it may not have been such a good thing for them...

Watched Peter Pan yesterday with YS...boy, that was something that I really needed! An escape into a fairy-tale world. And what an extravaganza! These foreign productions, with all their sleek sets and supercharged acting and high-tech special effects...they really pushed the Esplanade theatre to the limit, and I've never seen such spectacular performances. They must have dumped kilos of glitter through the course of that show! Heh, and at one point, Peter Pan actually flew out over the heads of the audience, and for a breathless moment, your stunned mind actually blossoms with awe, and you do believe in fairies.

I never noticed, though, the dark undertones of Peter Pan. The whole idea of stereotypes being broken, the undercurrent of darkness in the Trappers, and the notion of a magical world in fragile equilibrium. The way they did it, the maxim "Without belief, there is nothing" is not just a childish mantra but carries ominous implications. It's something that we Singaporeans need to hear, I think. Heh, was rather disappointed when, at the end, there was this audience participation bit, and the cast tried to get the audience to join them in the dancing, and even from the middle of Circle 2 I could see the reluctance in their movements. Ah well...slowly does it, I guess.

Oh, and a note of encouragement for the uni apps of everyone! US apps being sent out now, and everyone's busy freaking out over them. And the Oxbridge interview schedule has been published, and I didn't know I had to take a written test! Bah, now there's something else that will disrupt my carefully balanced schedule. Well, I hope everyone has a fun time, at least, doing all these applications. The future is looming ahead, and it seems that our time has come to close our fingers around it.

One last thing...got my enlistment notice today. Jan 7th is the magic date now. Really quite cool, because JC's going in at the exact same time as well. It all sounds rather exciting, actually...sailing to the secret military base on this remote offshore island, getting all that military gear which is like all our childhood toys enlarged to adult size, and training to use guns and tactics and all that. The way they worded the letter for BMT makes it sound rather nice. At this point, I actually quite look forward to it, honestly. The prospect of a new adventure; that's what it looks like now. The only problem with the date is that I'm probably going to have the suckiest birthday ever next year =P

pondered by phoenican @ 15.10.05