The End of an Era

It isn't really grief, what I'm feeling now. It's a sort of deep sadness. Just said goodbye to Soph at Bedok, delivering the last of her mail, and it suddenly struck me that it's going to be a good three months until I see her again, probably. And she's not the only one...everyone's going away. It's only been two years for so many of them, and yet there is no avoiding the sense of...loss? reluctance? Something along those lines.

It has been a distinct, fascinating, surprising time with this girl. Intimidating, bewildering at times. But intimidation built on strength, and bewilderment only because of her fixation with her direction, which is different from mine. And yet it's almost disturbing sometimes to see echoes of myself in her. I don't know how things worked out this way, with this almost-classmate. somethingood has quite a big role to play in there somewhere, I think. But whatever the case it has definitely been an enriching time.

I don't want to sound too maudlin, or write her obituary here. She's just going home. And at the end of the day we may very well still end up in the same school in the UK. Who knows, eh? It's just that moment of realisation, on the platform at Bedok, that this is a real parting of ways. No airport departure lounge gate with the glass panels and eight different ways to say bon voyage, but still a leave-taking. And because I didn't realise it until the moment, I guess the moment was all the stronger for it.

Well...we see the ties unfurling already. After prom I felt really sad too...this, then, is the end of an era. A very short, intense one, the happiest one yet. A part of me suspects, with a jolt of fear and loss, that things won't ever be this good again. I don't know...I don't know what to expect of the coming months. Looking ahead, there is only scattering; while parting is not new, the innovation is the sheer geographical scale of how widely we will be scattered. How will ties hold if you can't just randomly decide to gather one day with your old classmates and friends? I don't know, and that is the centre of the scariness of the uncertainty ahead, I think.

At this point, there is something to lose.

* * * * *

Prom was...interesting. A confusion of events smudged together by fathigue and impulse, I think. And yet all still so vivid, the work of a consciousness too reluctant to let go of the present. It wasn't as bad as I expected, though the food wasn't really 6-star, and I thought $88 was quite steep for a mass photo-taking session. The people really looked good. Heh, everyone was stunned by Zhi-An's transformation in a black dress and elaborate piled-hair coiffe.

I think part of the discomfiture of prom was that there was always the impression that things were happening to me, and I was just being carried along for the ride. I didn't actively seek a ticket in the first place, and yet I find myself at the 13A table (albeit next door to the 1A table), crashing the 13A room, and stuck in Esplanade with RJGE people instead of at KBox with my class. I didn't particularly mind the company of these groups, but I wanted to be with my class on this night, at least for some time. As it was I only spent the time needed to snap photos with them.

Even to me this strikes me as a pity.

It's not just a matter of keeping up appearances, though to be fair a prom is nothing if not about appearances. At the end of everything I do find myself growing on my class, or perhaps the other way around. They are good, dedicated people, and in the end they held together better than I expected (I seem to be rather bad at judging the collective characters of groups of people). It was certainly fun to be with 13A and Guitar, but I don't think it should have come at the expense of my own class.

Well, as things turned out anyway, after prom went to Esplanade to celebrate Shaun's and Lin Yan's birthday by the bay, and then it started to storm. So there we were, stuck at the Esplanade, me due to go to Paradiz to rejoin my class, and the girls leaving, and then the guys finally giving up and deciding to cab back to the hotels or home. It was nice to see everyone again, a tad off-kilter at midnight, but there's still that old connection. We were a good batch for Guitar.

After that was up to 13A's room at the Ritz. Hmm...I dunno if I should have crashed their room. Especially after it was also invaded by some 1B people. It didn't seem to be very nice to the 13A people, since they were the ones who took the effort to book the room in the first place. Heh, and though it was a biggish Lover's Suite (no locks on any of the doors except the main door and the door to the potty, and a huge bathroom) it didn't take too many people to make it overcrowded. Definitely some of the 13A people were (justifiably) pissed. But well, it happened...we make the best of things, eh?

Hung around with Sots, Yiting, Randy and Yee Kiat that night. Heh, definitely refreshing, and probably easier than dealing with people from my own class. It's just a wavelength thing. (A note on Yiting, though - it's just a sort of game that we play. When it comes to social interactions appearances are just about the only things that we can work with, but when it comes to interpersonal relationships what is the core is what the people involved think about themselves, and not what other people think of them. We think we are not "together", to use that bland euphemism. Other people's views are secondary to what comes from the proverbial horse's mouth)

Heh I think, though, I should stop taking so many sleepless nights in such close succession. Once a month seems to be my standard capacity, and after last night there was a constant sense of giddiness and nausea. One can remain functional, but not comfortable, under such conditions.

But yeah, fathigue notwithstanding, it was a strange time. Especially seeing Soph alone. Hmm...it was haunting in that it reminded me of myself in Frexprog One: pissed with people generally and preferring to stay alone. I don't know if that really was the case, but the similarities seemed so eerily compelling. To see such aloneness appearing again was...disturbing. And anyway, even a skeptic like me knows that on the night of the prom, no one should be alone. One thing that Frexprog One taught me - don't let anyone be alone, because loneliness can spur inward thoughts that produce bitterness (a bit hyperbolic, to be sure, but the general idea is to let everyone enjoy the night, this $88 night).

So prom finished in a mess I think. Me and Yiting making waves, Soph out alone, a bit of an invasion of 13A space, and the sense of things prematurely coming to an end. When I was on the way back home was struck by bewilderment at how bleeding complicated things had become over the course of one night. Unfinished business, as it were...the night ending not with a proper sense of closure, but an unpleasant aftertaste of a shortage of time. Prom was a strange experience, a mixture of pleasant surprises and disturbing twists. No dream ending for us, it seems. But we make do I guess. It was not too bad, and in many ways exceeded my expectations, but I still have reservations about such functions - not sure they're really worth all that money and trouble.

Bleah really disordered now. The sleepiness is setting in again. And I still have to finish packing so I can depart for Genting with the family tomorrow morning! Well at this point I just want to sleep, whether in hills or just in my good old Singaporean bed. Not in a state to enjoy a family trip right now I think. But still, maybe a bit of chill air will do me good...put things in perspective. Will be beginning a new sketchbook on this trip...looking forward to a chance for that type of reflection. Especially now, as I stand on the cusp of a new age, at the end of an era. Many things to think about. What to do now that we're at this point of the journey.

There will definitely be things to look forward to - but equally, and more importantly now, there are also things to look back to. And now, I guess, is the time to begin the process. The reluctant process of letting go.

pondered by phoenican @ 8.12.05