On the Brink of Tomorrow

A little over twelve hours remaining, and I feel that I am ready to face this. No dread, no fear, just reasonable apprehension. Because, now I realise, there is really nothing to fear. NS is a conceptual vacuum. If there is anything worth fearing, I don't yet know of it, and I want to enjoy what could very well be my last moments of peace of mind =P But yeah...in a rather startling realisation I noticed that the last time I felt anything like this was just before Frexprog One...faced with the big unknown, not knowing what to expect, and basically going in blind. That time changed practically everything afterwards. Maybe this time will be the same too. Looking to learn something from this time, for better or for worse.

Anyway, was watching the CD that they gave us during prom. Actually, there were two videos on it...the sappy one they tried to show during the dinner, and a much better one (in my opinion) matched, surprisingly and evocatively, to Yann Tiersen's music for Amelie. Hmm...I didn't exactly want to be immortalised in exactly that way, but ah well, it's done I guess. And it's something to look back to certainly. When I was watching it the memories and the relationships and the people that appeared on the screen cut through all the skepticism to appeal to the part of me that still goes soft at sentimentality. A deep part that defies expression, that befuddles sympathy. Something deeply personal that still yearns for the times depicted in those pictures, that is private, that cannot be shared no matter how many people there are in the group. Do you remember where you were, then, when...

But on the brink of this new adventure, I'm glad to have my friends and family around me. Narnia on Wed, then yesterday was the marathon movie thing with Thong, Vaish, Sots and Kay Hwee. Hehheh...I think I can develop a taste for Bollywood movies. Vaish is right...the key is to suspend disbelief =P Well, it was nice to have all of them in the house. Good of Thong to turn up even though he went in this morning. It was good to have everyone together again, at least. Heh, and Dad had the idea of celebrating my birthday last night. But how to find time? There's no time left for the little ceremonies. Actually felt bad for Dad and the others that we couldn't make a bigger thing out of it. It felt like something that, for their sakes as much as for mine, should have been more...impressive.

And then had Pui Man over today - had one last joust with the old guitars. Dad was around too to add some real skill to what turned out to be a great big singalong =P Then there was Maksim on the telly and a full-blown tickling contest with Marcus who periodically switched sides and basically was sanctioned to have a go at everyone...Hehheh, childish fun, but it was fun all the same! And now and then one must suspend disbelief, eh? And just enjoy whatever you find yourself in the middle of.

And then tomorrow will be setting out with lots of family to Tekong itself - and we'll see what happens from there, I guess. It'll be great to have the guys and my family around me at this time, at the time of great dislocation. Yeah...like I said, it's a good feeling to know that you have people feeling concerned for you. To feel part of a vibrant and reliable community. That, I think, will be where my strength comes from. The strength to face this great void and fill it with whatever I have to do.

So yes, I guess I do face this with high spirits. Yes, it will call for leaving some things behind, but I find now that I can trust that those things will wait for me. That there is something solid and unchangeful to base memory on. And that anchor point is the most important thing, I think, when facing the future.

pondered by phoenican @ 6.1.06