A Change of Perspective

Am back from camp! Hehheh it's been really all right so far, and nothing much to report (at any rate we're now apparently prohibited from discussing training for the large part...probably falls under the category of State Secret. I'll write more somewhere inaccessible, if I can find the time). Haven't really been about with the soldiering business, just getting used to standing in rank, being briefed endlessly, filling in a surprising number of survey forms, and addressing superiors. In fact it's much like OBS, I think, except with, shockingly, much better food =P Of course we're all aware that the real stuff hasn't begun yet...it's only this awkward placement of Hari Raya that's stopping the sergeants from really hammering us into shape. But so far...good impressions all around: nice sergeants, good section-mates, a solid and interesting platoon.

I have to say, particularly, that the strong point of this enlistment must be the change of perspective. While I'd be the last to say that JC wasn't wholly fun, there's nothing that quite comes close to the tight integration you can get in an all-male environment. It feels, really, like the unnecessary social strictures are stripped away to leave the barest of Spartan military protocol. And when you remove the trimmings the essentials become clearer - the need to work together, to think of the collective good, to take care of everyone else, and in so doing take care of yourself.

And it makes you appreciate the smallest pleasures to the maximum. 20 minute meal times become generous, standing in rank is better than marching along, wearing the jockey cap is better than the helmet, the one-hour break every night is Valhalla, and all this climaxes in the truly visceral experience of marching down the pier at Tekong and boarding the slightly rocking ferry. Everyone in high spirits, everyone's mind focused only on that one thing: to get on the boat without screwing anything up. The waves themselves look inviting. It came as quite a surprise, that, with your uniform still stiff with newness, your pack weighing on your back, you can take so much enjoyment in your boots sounding on the concrete floor, your eyes roving across the straits, and you and your buddy discussing how best to spend the next day.

It struck me that it was really like going on a one-day holiday, an overnight stay at a good hotel. Heh, it really is all determined by your sense of perspective.

Hmm...but I think fun and games will be over soon. Now we're practically just playing soldiers, dressing up in the costume, not really doing anything serious. But soon we'll get our weapons, and we'll go out for jungle training, to learn the real craft of being a warrior. Don't really know if I can accept that, really. The physical side, fine, it'll be good for me, definitely. But to have the power to kill someone else, regardless of whether it's justifiable or not - that is too much of a responsibility for me, I think. Even if it's in self-defence, to protect the things and people you hold dear, I'm not sure I can fire a gun or throw a grenade at another living person. The trick, I guess, is then to regard the enemy as inhuman, but at the moment it strikes me as inherently repulsive, self-delusional, even absurd. I agree with the need to protect the people (this nebulous entity, the "country", and the shadowy being, the "government", is another matter), but is killing another person ever worth it? What do you give up in so doing, and how do you weigh that the life of your enemy is worth less than that of your family? I'd rather have both, in truth, and this automatic assumption in the military that you can only have one or the other is an uncomfortable one.

Heh...so much for the military being a holiday from thinking. It's not that you don't think. There's plenty of stuff to think about, and plenty of time, over the last few days, to do it in. It's just that you really don't have much in the way of expressing it. My section and platoon is a jolly, joking, altogether wholesome bunch, but I don't think they'd be able to understand. And anyway each has enough to worry about; don't think I should add some metaphysical philosophical problem to their plate. It's only in the dead of the night, in the nebulous time between lights-out and actual sleep, that the doubts become something to really contend with.

But...I guess I'll work something out. We all have to work something out at the end of the day, and still, we hope that we'll never have to prove our conviction on the battlefield. But in the meantime, it's time to enjoy the leave, and to catch up on some sleep, and to relish the feeling of civilian life again!

pondered by phoenican @ 9.1.06