This Christmas
Wow. This Christmas has been grand! Hehheh here's my attempt at an executive summary...yesterday evening popped down to NYDC in Holland V for dinner with Ian, Thong, Vaish and Oh-san. Finally managed to give Thong his pot, and had a hilarious meal, unfortunately quite at the expense of the Christmas spirit. Oh the vitriol flying across that table! =P Mmm anyway, the others went off to Eskibar to chill out during happy hour, while I made my way down to City Hall to meet YS.
Happened to take the bus that went down the whole stretch of Orchard, so was able to have a birds-eye view of all the lights and happenings along that road. Wow, I know that it's all commercialised and tacky and all, but you can't escape a sense of exhilaration when you see all those people crammed into the area between Taka and Paragon looking at buskers and listening to carols. Usually crowds aren't my thing, but for that moment had an urge to jump off the bus and join in the fun on the sidewalk. Anyway. Reached City Hall, found YS who was scrupulously on time, and then went down to Esplanade, despite her having been at the performance centre for The Nutcracker for like two weeks running or something.
Mmm Esplanade never seems to disappoint, and we ran into a carol group in the foyer, and a really really cool jazz band at the outdoor theatre. About as good as Broken Orange Fence, especially on guitar and drums. Stayed for two of their sets, under a clear night sky with dozens of other people milling around, and across from the skyline that still forms such a stunning backdrop despite all this time. I don't know if it's just me, but there seemed to be more of a general feeling of goodwill. While other times everyone in the outdoor theatre wants to have fun, yesterday night the merrymaking was more cool because you have a sense of it forming a pattern with the other celebrations worldwide, and through time too.
Afterwards went to Cathedral to attend the midnight mass. Actually hoped that the choir would be putting up a Christmas pageant, but they had shifted the pageant to last Sunday, which was a real pity, I think. Buuut the ceremony was good anyway. The Cathedral was stuffed, the Archbishop was giving mass, and the choir admirably played their role in filling the vaulted heights of the Cathedral with celestial song. Mmm...was YS's first ever Christian mass, and though it wasn't the most comfortable experience ever, I hope it was enriching nonetheless. At least it would differentiate this Christmas, add a spiritual dimension onto it.
At the end of the mass there was the traditional singing of "Joy To The World". And then, the choir broke into a song that I had forgotten, "Felis Navidad" (dunno if that's the right spelling though), and the Cathedral was reverberating with happiness and cheer. It's such a happy song to welcome in a happy day!
And then today...family came over, of course, and I think without the pressure of school I found it easier to interact with everyone. Heh...and I guess they have an additional connection point, which is my iminent NS. Everyone was giving advice on how to deal with it! And for the Hong Kong trip too they were all concerned. Was quite glad that I could still functionally carry out a conversation in Chinese.
How can I capture that feeling of security and equilibrium, sitting around the dining table with my family, each one with a cup of Chinese tea in front of them, and a roast turkey and a leg of ham in the centre? There is nothing else to be wanted, then, abundance and warmth all around you. It's this kind of feeling of being in the right place that I don't want to lose, as I was telling YS. But when you're actually in a situation like that, there's nothing to do but to enjoy it while it lasts, and not mull over how temporary it is.
Yeah...I like this Christmas. When the spiritual significance of the feast is brought into the social sphere, goodwill is produced. Today is the time to feel that not everyone is out to get you, there are people to care about you, and there is the time to just enjoy what one has. And there is no doubt, I think, that it is the people that make the meaning of the season matter.
Well...it has definitely been a great Christmas for me. I hope everyone's had a wonderful season as well, just the thing to end off a great year. And may this only be the start of a new year that will exceed all your expectations!
* * * * *
Last jump tomorrow...off to Hong Kong until the 29th! Going to be my one last fling before really preparing for the next phase of life, the army. Shall really relish this time, then, in that colder, colourful city. If you guys still want to contact me, I'll be autoroaming, but beware of the SMS charges! See you guys in a bit!
The Airport
Nothing much to report these few days. Generally just been staying at home...I didn't expect to be spending so much time at home, actually. Well, it's a good chance to update lumière, at least. New gallery up, but the web server hasn't updated the main page yet, so have to hold on for a bit.
Saw Chern off at the airport yesterday. Hmm...seems that everyone's going off all over the world. Makes me quite glad that I'm popping over to HK actually. Gives me something to do these weeks, at least. Airport's been done up quite nicely now that they've renovated the interior. All pastels and wood, really quite stylish and tropical. It's a happy colour scheme there now. And for the first time I actually went in to the First Class lounge, because Chern's dad has that privileged passenger card or something like that. Really sleek and smooth, everything in dark leather. But somehow I still prefer the check-in rows, with all the clamour and people. I find that it's not really a check-in without the bustling chaos of normal people with all their technicolour luggage =P
Interesting stories from all over the world coming in...Mel came back from Guilin, and Chern's family came back from Kyushu, and Vaish from Bintan. Heh hopefully I'll be able to add something after the 29th!
More arts and craft nowadays, doing up the pots that I got from Fraser's Hill to be given away. Now that the cards have been sent off now there's only the big (well, not very big, but un-mailable) gifts left. And today also have to get the gifts for the HKers ready. Mum gave me this rather nifty shawl to be given to Grandaunt, which can be buttoned at the front so it won't slide off all over the place. I think I'll get something edible to add on...but I have no idea what can't be gotten in HK. Maybe something Malay? A kueh lapis perhaps?
Tonight going for a ballet performance of the Nutcracker. Can't remember the plot already, probably should read up, especially since I've got a ticket in something like Circle 3205, which means that I'll probably have to get a pair of binoculars to see anything =P And then on Christmas Eve going to catch the pageant at the Cathedral too. Time to get into the real Christmas vibe! But I also want to do other stuff...watch something, perhaps. There's an interesting foreign movie at Cine, "Joyeux Noel", about the Fraternisations during Christmas 1914 on the frontlines of WWI. Nothing sappy, but still with a happy ending. Fits my current mood, I think.
Four Days
Heh Esplanade does not disappoint. After telling so many people to go down to the waterfront to check out the performances - and being ignored - finally I find a companion in Chern. And we were in luck, too, finding this sublime jazz band (Broken Orange Fence) performing on Friday night. Really good stuff...apparently they're full time performers, which is something positively bizarre in Singapore. But it sure makes for good music! Well, only the kids in the front row were actually dancing to the tunes, but you can just feel the vibes making you sway and tap the beat.
Yeah...for all its un-riskiness and placidity (not all art is celebrated there), Esplanade is still my favourite spot in Singapore. Especially at night. And on a weekend night too. Sea breeze, good music, people enjoying themselves. You just take your enjoyment wherever you find it. And on Friday, several Christmas tunes set against the backdrop of the Fullerton Hotel all lit up in red spotlights...something in the air makes you feel like you're in the right place, you know? That everything coincides, and the machinery of the world is working flawlessly, and you've found your place in the big order of things. Too bad it doesn't last too long.
Been writing Christmas cards mostly these few days. Fun stuff, sketching little pictures and sticking them together in true-blue arts and craft fashion. I surprised myself because I actually successfully combined colour pencils and my trusty black marker, something that I hadn't even thought of doing before. Colour pencils, it turns out, can do much more stuff than just colour. Heh, and it's with an irrational spurt of satisfaction that I walked into the Post Centre yesterday to buy the stamps and post away the cards for overseas people, and some of the local ones too. It feels special, that extra effort of going down to the post office. And nothing in email resembles the sensation of seeing your crafted letter disappearing into the slot of a post box.
Shengjie from CHS dropped by yestarday suddenly, because he was asking me to help him in his Stanford application. Hmm...US application essays are really quite fun to do, it seems. The impression I got was that you don't really need to be serious, since they don't check up on the truthfulness of the essays. It's like writing fiction, actually - it's all in the style. But then maybet's just because it's not my application I'm doing, so I have the luxury of standing back and taking the long view. And maybe it's just Stanford. Heh, but it was hilarious shifting styles from personal letter to academic essay to fairy tale and even a brief dip into the realms of poetry.
Mmm...he's a good kid, Shengjie. Suprising. I didn't know he was taking History...definitely a strange thing for a PRC scholar, and we made sure to make a point of it last night. He has ambition, he does. And lots of money, if his parents can pay his way through Stanford. I think, though, he has a bit too much faith in my abilities as a writer. It'd be great if that series of essays do get him into Stanford, but what are the odds of that? Hmph...no matter what he says, I am not the best writer on the block. ANd those writers are actually applying to the Ivy League. But at the point in time, call it vanity, call it arrogance, I just couldn't dispossess him of that impression, you know? And anyway it was 1am, and he was on tight deadline, and there was no time to find someone else, so perhaps it wouldn't have been wise to convince him that he found the wrong person...
Well, anyway, I'm still waiting for my big fish to report in. Was hoping to get it before Christmas, but it doesn't seem to be about to happen. Ah well, at least I have my backups. And I may actually be going to Paris after all. Dawn called just now to ask me a few questions for an article she's doing for Straits Times, about students going to non-traditional countries. Told her that France was because of practical reasons (since I've been there before and I can speak the language) and personal preference, and also because it would be a real new start. A toptal blank slate, in a different culture and language. Which it is. But when I said it I suddenly realised that I wasn't all that certain that I wanted to challenge that kind of tabula rasa. Do I really want that degree of dislocation? I like my present security.
Hmm, speaking of French...am reading Yvonne's lit text now, Albert Camus's La Peste (The Plague). Some parts, his descriptions mostly, I don't understand at all. But the plot I can catch roughly at least. Mmm..a true existentialist book that, a bit rambling (which is like The Outsider) without a clear direction. ut the approach of the book is a bit forceful I think, like Georeg Orwell's 1984. You get the impression that he's trying harder to get his message across than write a book. Like reading an abstraction in some parts. But maybe it's just my ramshackle grasp of French...
Oh, and now a new trip is confirmed! Going to Hong Kong for a short hop from the 26th to 29th, the true final fling of this era, I think. Heh, and it's quite a fluke that I'm actually going, I think. Suggested it to Mum on the way back from Fraser's Hill, but I didn't actually expect it to come true. Last few days was in a bit of a daze over it, thinking whether I should actually go through with it since it's so unexpected. But now that I've bought the tix and cleared accomodation it's much better =P I find myself at the brink of a new trip!
It's been a long time since the last visit...can't even rightly place when it happened. I only remember being rather pissed at the cold - it was the first cold place I went to, and it didn't go down well, but see where things have brought me! Will be staying with my grand-aunt and liaising with Pui Man, who'll be back there at the same time. Mmm...cold places, mountains, a new city to explore. A new adventure, perhaps.
Many Many Movies
Was at 4N gathering at Kay Hwee's place over the night of Wed and Thu. Played a bit of mahjong, a bit of Civ 4 (which has several interesting and bewildering new features), a bit of Bridge, and quite a bit of FIFA 04, which I find out I actually quite like =P But the most interesting bit was watching all those movies through the night. Yep, another sleepless night for me, this time watching Behind Enemy Lines (which was still good this time round, as long as you ignore the love subplot - it's kinda like Pearl Harbour and Titanic, where the love plots were also unnecessary) and Ghost Ship. Beyond that we didn't find anything else that anyone really wanted to watch. Heh, but the latter was really funny! Horror may be another genre in which there are few new innovations each time, just like romance. In fact the veritable bloodbath in the show was a bit farcical...no sense of ominous purpose behind it, just this rather flabby and pointless demon-figure behind it all.
Hmm, come to think of it I've watched quite a few movies lately. Perhaps Love was a ripoff of Moulin Rouge, I think, and I still think that the earlier movie was better. Perhaps Love has some interesting things to say about memory, like how you can't forget memories, and how they always come back to haunt you. The play-within-a-play structure had some potential, but I didn't think that the director really took it to the max. In fact it struck me as a bit cheap, since even though the parallels between real life and the movie life was obvious to all there wasn't really the impression that the characters themselves grasped it. The love plot was a bit tired I think...the usual love triangle resolved by everyone agreeing to start from scratch. Bittersweet ending with the edge taken off by repetition.
Other people say it was good. Heh, I guess it's just because I don't sympathise with the love side of the plot. The memory side was good because I understood what they were talking about. But the love thing is just too unlikely, it seems. And this kind of movie, with its self-reflexive references, is meant to come across as realistic, I think. Which it doesn't, for me. Maybe it's a defect in my capacity to imagine situations like this.
Aeon Flux was better. Hehheh, I think I've had enough of romance flicks for the time being. Good old thriller any day for feel good value! Hmm I'd expected it to harrowingly reflect Singapore actually, in its dystopian worldview, but to its (or Singapore's) credit the similarities were limited. Dunno how memories can be transmitted through the cloning process though...that, I think, is a plot element that needs to be taken on faith. But interesting how they unite technology and nature. Not some sleek starship flick.
Mmm enough movies for the time being, I think. Otherwise this entry can be submitted to 8 Days.
US early decision results coming out sometime soon. The best of luck to all the people applying! The old uni angst coming back now, with the anxiety of a wait coming to an end. But it seems now that the A's are over at least there's less of a sense of urgency...there's really nothing left to do but to look for that result. Nothing to lose anyway but the application fees. Heh but it'd be cool to have people in Harvard and Yale and Stanford and the rest (can't remember where pple applied to already...), if only so I can get tours, and eye-catching university merchandise. And of course the recepients will get a stellar education and all that =P
Planning to write to the Taiwanese soon...though I doubt if the cards will reach Taipei in time for Christmas. Ah well, at least something to do, some craft projects. And planning to go abroad one last time before going into camp. Options now up for grabs...Hong Kong, Shanghai, even a cruise. But the thing is that the decision must come soon, otherwise with the holiday rush for vacations the matter will become, well, academic.
Fraser's Hill
Back from Fraser's Hill, which turns out not to be on Genting at all, but is actually in between Genting and Cameron. It feels odd to be back in Singapore, after all these days of seeing only a maximum of like twenty people every day. City bustle is stunning on a certain, deep level, throwing me off balance. Kinda like stepping on an escalator that's going too fast.
Anyway, it was a great time on Fraser's Hill! A magical place, that. Many strange and wonderful coincidences happened on the hill - like going all the way up the hill and halfway up the Malaysian Peninsula to meet an old friend from Pre U Sem (Alvin) and his dad who works in the MFA scholarships department or sth liddat. When I saw his smiling face in the bungalow I was literally stunned into babbling. I'd always joked with myself that the world is too tiny...but I didn't actually expect something like this to really happen!
The setting for the holiday owns! Photos haven't been uploaded yet, so I'll make do with these scans of the sketches I did. And what a relaxing time it was, sketching...many interesting scenes to draw on that hill. Kept me well occupied.
That's a scene from the living room of Singapore House, where we were living. If you look carefully, there's a set of cushy sofas and, on the extreme right, under the clock, it's a real fireplace with a real mantle! That is like a scene right out of my fantasy dreams! And the coolest thing was that on our last night Mum actually managed to start a fire in that fireplace, so we could actually enjoy the flickering flames and the heat. A fantastic moment, that...rarely have I seen a sight as happy as a crackling fire in a fireplace.
And this happy scene is the centre of the village on Fraser's Hill. A quiet, tranquil place, where cars are practically nonexistent, and everything moves with the slowness of a satisfied langour. The whole place is charmed, I think...while sketching this, I was sitting behind a parking lot, and when I had to draw a part blocked by the parked cars, they obligingly and coincidentally moved away until I had finished. And a group of Malays, Indians and even Chinese tourists from Kelantan dropped by to watch me sketching. That town is really friendly to artists, it seems. Heck, it's really friendly to all the visitors!
I said the place was charmed...yep, it definitely was a satisfying vacation in every conceivable way. Exceeded all my expectations of what a holiday in Malaysia is like. Imagine my surprise to find a passable facsimile of the European countryside in the next door country! Many things to do...horse-riding, nature-trails, sketching, walking, Monopoly. And a chance, definitely, to catch up with the family. The trip was filled with stories about all our various trips abroad. It was a novelty, to be with my family on holiday, and a delight to find out what they'd been up to all this time.
Mmm...and it was filled with memories too. Reminded me of all the other times I'd been on hillsides, mountainsides and hill resorts (Really, YS, you should see it; you'd love it up there!). And coming, as it did, at the end of an era, it was the time to reflect on how things had turned out this year. And it's with not a small amount of pleasure to find that I really did not mind these two years at all. There were gripes, but no regrets. Two good years filled with memorable, enriching experiences.
And the thing, I think, about this trip is that it finished with the feeling that I've been recharged and readied on all levels. At the end of this era, this most intense of all eras, I find that I am ready to begin.
The End of an Era
It isn't really grief, what I'm feeling now. It's a sort of deep sadness. Just said goodbye to Soph at Bedok, delivering the last of her mail, and it suddenly struck me that it's going to be a good three months until I see her again, probably. And she's not the only one...everyone's going away. It's only been two years for so many of them, and yet there is no avoiding the sense of...loss? reluctance? Something along those lines.
It has been a distinct, fascinating, surprising time with this girl. Intimidating, bewildering at times. But intimidation built on strength, and bewilderment only because of her fixation with her direction, which is different from mine. And yet it's almost disturbing sometimes to see echoes of myself in her. I don't know how things worked out this way, with this almost-classmate. somethingood has quite a big role to play in there somewhere, I think. But whatever the case it has definitely been an enriching time.
I don't want to sound too maudlin, or write her obituary here. She's just going home. And at the end of the day we may very well still end up in the same school in the UK. Who knows, eh? It's just that moment of realisation, on the platform at Bedok, that this is a real parting of ways. No airport departure lounge gate with the glass panels and eight different ways to say bon voyage, but still a leave-taking. And because I didn't realise it until the moment, I guess the moment was all the stronger for it.
Well...we see the ties unfurling already. After prom I felt really sad too...this, then, is the end of an era. A very short, intense one, the happiest one yet. A part of me suspects, with a jolt of fear and loss, that things won't ever be this good again. I don't know...I don't know what to expect of the coming months. Looking ahead, there is only scattering; while parting is not new, the innovation is the sheer geographical scale of how widely we will be scattered. How will ties hold if you can't just randomly decide to gather one day with your old classmates and friends? I don't know, and that is the centre of the scariness of the uncertainty ahead, I think.
At this point, there is something to lose.
* * * * *
Prom was...interesting. A confusion of events smudged together by fathigue and impulse, I think. And yet all still so vivid, the work of a consciousness too reluctant to let go of the present. It wasn't as bad as I expected, though the food wasn't really 6-star, and I thought $88 was quite steep for a mass photo-taking session. The people really looked good. Heh, everyone was stunned by Zhi-An's transformation in a black dress and elaborate piled-hair coiffe.
I think part of the discomfiture of prom was that there was always the impression that things were happening to me, and I was just being carried along for the ride. I didn't actively seek a ticket in the first place, and yet I find myself at the 13A table (albeit next door to the 1A table), crashing the 13A room, and stuck in Esplanade with RJGE people instead of at KBox with my class. I didn't particularly mind the company of these groups, but I wanted to be with my class on this night, at least for some time. As it was I only spent the time needed to snap photos with them.
Even to me this strikes me as a pity.
It's not just a matter of keeping up appearances, though to be fair a prom is nothing if not about appearances. At the end of everything I do find myself growing on my class, or perhaps the other way around. They are good, dedicated people, and in the end they held together better than I expected (I seem to be rather bad at judging the collective characters of groups of people). It was certainly fun to be with 13A and Guitar, but I don't think it should have come at the expense of my own class.
Well, as things turned out anyway, after prom went to Esplanade to celebrate Shaun's and Lin Yan's birthday by the bay, and then it started to storm. So there we were, stuck at the Esplanade, me due to go to Paradiz to rejoin my class, and the girls leaving, and then the guys finally giving up and deciding to cab back to the hotels or home. It was nice to see everyone again, a tad off-kilter at midnight, but there's still that old connection. We were a good batch for Guitar.
After that was up to 13A's room at the Ritz. Hmm...I dunno if I should have crashed their room. Especially after it was also invaded by some 1B people. It didn't seem to be very nice to the 13A people, since they were the ones who took the effort to book the room in the first place. Heh, and though it was a biggish Lover's Suite (no locks on any of the doors except the main door and the door to the potty, and a huge bathroom) it didn't take too many people to make it overcrowded. Definitely some of the 13A people were (justifiably) pissed. But well, it happened...we make the best of things, eh?
Hung around with Sots, Yiting, Randy and Yee Kiat that night. Heh, definitely refreshing, and probably easier than dealing with people from my own class. It's just a wavelength thing. (A note on Yiting, though - it's just a sort of game that we play. When it comes to social interactions appearances are just about the only things that we can work with, but when it comes to interpersonal relationships what is the core is what the people involved think about themselves, and not what other people think of them. We think we are not "together", to use that bland euphemism. Other people's views are secondary to what comes from the proverbial horse's mouth)
Heh I think, though, I should stop taking so many sleepless nights in such close succession. Once a month seems to be my standard capacity, and after last night there was a constant sense of giddiness and nausea. One can remain functional, but not comfortable, under such conditions.
But yeah, fathigue notwithstanding, it was a strange time. Especially seeing Soph alone. Hmm...it was haunting in that it reminded me of myself in Frexprog One: pissed with people generally and preferring to stay alone. I don't know if that really was the case, but the similarities seemed so eerily compelling. To see such aloneness appearing again was...disturbing. And anyway, even a skeptic like me knows that on the night of the prom, no one should be alone. One thing that Frexprog One taught me - don't let anyone be alone, because loneliness can spur inward thoughts that produce bitterness (a bit hyperbolic, to be sure, but the general idea is to let everyone enjoy the night, this $88 night).
So prom finished in a mess I think. Me and Yiting making waves, Soph out alone, a bit of an invasion of 13A space, and the sense of things prematurely coming to an end. When I was on the way back home was struck by bewilderment at how bleeding complicated things had become over the course of one night. Unfinished business, as it were...the night ending not with a proper sense of closure, but an unpleasant aftertaste of a shortage of time. Prom was a strange experience, a mixture of pleasant surprises and disturbing twists. No dream ending for us, it seems. But we make do I guess. It was not too bad, and in many ways exceeded my expectations, but I still have reservations about such functions - not sure they're really worth all that money and trouble.
Bleah really disordered now. The sleepiness is setting in again. And I still have to finish packing so I can depart for Genting with the family tomorrow morning! Well at this point I just want to sleep, whether in hills or just in my good old Singaporean bed. Not in a state to enjoy a family trip right now I think. But still, maybe a bit of chill air will do me good...put things in perspective. Will be beginning a new sketchbook on this trip...looking forward to a chance for that type of reflection. Especially now, as I stand on the cusp of a new age, at the end of an era. Many things to think about. What to do now that we're at this point of the journey.
There will definitely be things to look forward to - but equally, and more importantly now, there are also things to look back to. And now, I guess, is the time to begin the process. The reluctant process of letting go.
Spring-Cleaning
Spent the whole day shoveling out the old and welcoming in the new. Clearing up my shelves to reconvert them back into bookshelves meant basically gutting all my files. Kept all my essays and stuff but with a heart-wrenching brutality I was forced to dump the rest, even the History stuff. How quickly two years' worth of effort can be transformed into scrap and disorder. Spring-cleaning shows how the universe itself always tends towards chaos...
What a slaughter of paper! Two years had produced enough to make a tower 1.3m tall. There is a sort of sadistic pleasure in seeing that white basilisk on the waste newspaper pile, a mild sort of masochistic pleasure I guess.
But have to say that it's nice to have my shelf space back. Now I can actually stack some of my books vertically instead of lying them on each other horizontally. And there is definitely satisfaction at being able to place the lit texts into the collection, especially the faithful Lit S works. Aah...pride of place for them =) Now the only thing left is that I need to get some glue to fix my model ship, which is in a really sorry state. And then the only thing left would be to wait and see how long the pristine state of my bookcase lasts before books get tossed everywhere and new trinkets accumulate on every surface =P
* * * * *
Prom tomorrow. Already got the costume, all thanks to my bro and my cousin! Hehheh really quite impressive, their sense of style. It's something that I think I should acquire now...at least a working grasp of the vocabulary of aesthetics. First time that I actually felt enthusiastic about an outfit, first time I really appreciated how colours can come together flawlessly. Well...it's not black, which fulfills my main objective. I only hope it's enough to add a dash of colour to the photos of tmr night. But definitely not out to get too much attention.
I wonder how one is supposed to behave at something like this. Is there a set and approved range of conversation topics, some system of etiquette that I don't know about? Always at the back of my mind now is the concern that somehow I'll gaff it up. May lead to excessive self-consciousness, which, as I learned four years ago, is tantamount to social suicide. And what is a prom if it isn't an elaborate social ritual? Heh, couldn't stop drawing uncomfortable parallels between prom and the practices of war-paint, mating ritual and aggressive colouring...in nature, the more stunning the colours, the more poisonous the plant.
Ah well, at any rate it'll be an interesting experience. Never been to something in a suit before (school functions don't count because I didn't own the suit, and I didn't have a choice anyway). Can hide behind my camera if need be. And hopefully the food is good! I hope no one minds if I suddenly forget that I'm in a 6-star establishment though.
* * * * *
Went to the coolest bar yesterday form Claud's birthday! Heh, if I'd known Eskibar existed earlier, I'd be a regular customer =P Going in there is like entering the Alps again...you need to wear like three layers if you even want to think about staying in there for more than ten minutes...in fact you need that much if you want to think at all =P Really shiok to feel the heat being stolen from your body like that. And the drinks...maybe the cold accentuates the tastes, but they were good too! Hehheh brings me back to those happy days on top of the Italian Alps...except now you don't have the option of keeping warm by skiing because there's nowhere to go except pacing around the central column (the freeze room, as it's called, is built in an industrial freezer).
Now got another place to get happy at =P Fifteen bucks for a shot at happiness, at the kind of cold when you're just exhilarated even though you can feel your ears freezing off. Basically the type of cold that is still associated in my mind to the happiness of snow.
* * * * *
American Gods by Neil Gaiman is an interesting piece of work. Just started on it, and it's quite intriguing, the scenes and plots that he draws out. It's kind of...I dunno...gothic? Like a Sandman comic, something like that. I wonder where he gets his ideas from, what kind of imagination can throw out scenes of such fascination and disturbing-ness. It's not a hard read, which I'm grateful for...the patterns of imagery and whatever are intricate, but immediately identifiable. The kind of book that lets you feel intelligent without too much mental effort.
Still, at this point, not sure what to make of it. Definitely something to continue reading, but with an ambivalent attitude at the moment. Eagerness to know what happens mixed with a healthy dose of wariness of what is being painted in my mind's eye.
* * * * *
Somehow these last few days have been a bit of a daze. Too many things happening, I guess, and have been out of practice for too long with the norms of socialising. With a jolt yesterday I realised that I may eb sliding back into the Frexprog One frame of mind, the state in which I couldn't be bothered to care, and would rather be alone. Dunno what exactly sparked it off, what ghost rose and saw my familiar face and decided to pay a visit. Ah well, but thankfully, today is better. I think the spring-cleaning helped. I hope it holds out till tomorrow at least. And I'm sorry to the people who had to bear the brunt of my off-kilter state. It wasn't anything personal, and I'll try my best to suppress it, at least for tmr night! Time to suspend self-consciousness and skepticism, and carpe diem, as the old Captain used to say =)
Pre-Performance
Bleah I'm already regretting buying that ticket. Such a fuss over what I look like on that day, to the extent that I think I'll be feeling so self-conscious at prom that it won't be much fun. In fact...can't really see it as a prom, with all the sentimental romantic connotations attached to it. Looks right now like a big circus I'm preparing for - ladies and gentlemen, one more trussed up turkey for your amusement!
I had no idea that clothes could cost that much...the only apparel that I had seen that cost more than $100 was winter wear, so you can imagine I went positively dizzy in the head when I saw a blazer in some Paragon shop costing $1800. So many digits on one price tag! No wonder they try to hide that dastardly slip of paper. What I spent three hours today wandering around town to discover was that I couldn't wear the clothes that I could buy, and I couldn't bear to buy the clothes that I'd like to wear.
Seriously...with the amount of money I'm looking to spend now I could reenact the whole of Frexprog One!
Interesting, though, how easily one is sucked into this kind of thing. Partly I think it's just because I want something to occupy me with. A restless mind gnawing at anything it can get a grip on. But still...social conventions are a particularly vicious vortex. Surprisingly strong for something so openly contrived. The force of consensus is behind them...everyone has the same idea of what a prom should be like. And if conventions can keep the heart of darkness at bay, how am I to fight these hands thrusting me into a suit I don't even want to wear?
Hmm...but I don't intend to sound all that angsty. Sense of perspective, always (incidentally, today also wrote that PSC scholarship application essay, and the sense of perspective was its crowning glory, so to speak). It's really just a mild irritant. But when you're in a condition of general wellbeing even the smallest thing can be vexing.
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Finished Life of Pi in one fell swoop today. Fascinating to read about the way Pi survives on that boat, intriguing to consider the kind of social arrangement that can keep a tiger at bay (if social conventions can overcome the instincts of a wet, frightened, hungry tiger, how am I to defend myself against it?). And at the end of the book, one wonders whether it really is about God. Because the last section, it seems, adds a whole new spin to it, a positively postmodernist spin - if everything is a story, then maybe Pi's feverish belief in Hinduism, Christianity and Islam is a way to bury his guilt under these holy stories. Pulling up the rags of faith, as it were, to cover up the nakedness of his savagery at sea.
None of it is true, of course. It's just as likely that he made up both stories at the end, and what really happened cannot be related to the page. I'm still not sure what his point is at the end, to contrast the wondrous story with the terrible story. Maybe it's to show that if both stories are incredible, at least we should choose the one with hope, and not submit ourselves without a fight to the kind of existentialist despair of Camus. I dunno. That last section completes a loop, and the mind runs around in circles trying to find out what is the right meaning.
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But we count our little blessing, do we not? In a surprising bout of western-ness Mum bought two types of cheese and two types of pâté and cracked open a bottle of red wine, so for two heavenly nights, we actually had a respectable French-style supper of bread and cheese and pâté! All we needed was a proper wooden board and we could reenact a scene from Atonement. Unfortunately the only wooden boards in the house are the chopping boards which I'd rather not eat on. But nonetheless, a bit of European rusticness in a Singaporean suburban highrise apartment. The environment couldn't be more different, I think, and somehow the incongruousness adds to the flavour of the moment. Ahh if only we could have more of these evenings!
Beginning of a New Day
Been sitting in front of the computer the whole day. Not very healthy, and I can feel myself cramping up already. But it's done! New album put up on lumière, documenting snippets from RJGE's concert season in April-May this year. The colour scheme was a bit off, but there's nothing to do now but to live with it =P And I must say that the photos are remarkable. Esp the concert ones...the Photog pple really know how to make the best out of a scene. The site was an experiment with effortless navigation, which means that there's no need to click on anything in the album. But it has a ton of graphics. A site that graphics-intensive is definitely not fun to do. Shall not be doing something on such a scale again for some time, that's for sure.
So have to come up with a new idea to try out for the Bangkok Trip photos. After that will have cleared all the backlog!
Anyway, exams are over, as everyone should have noticed by now. Such a feeling of wellbeing and decadence after Lit S, which was a fun end to the whole exam cycle, notwithstanding the other subjects. What a luxury it is to feel aimless without the accompanying guilt! There's nothing left to do, and my time is completely, totally my own. These few days have mostly been unstructured time, I think...watched Prime (which was a bit of a waste, I think...would rather watch Zathura, at least it doesn't have pretensions towards depth =P) and had a big lunch at Fish & Co, and then on Wed was a big sleepover at KHwee's. The last class gathering, it seemed.
Was rather amused that after all this time the gender divide still lingered. I don't particularly find it scandalous or a pity...in fact, I think it's rather cute, this throwback from the days when you didn't need to worry about what others thought of you =P Anyway the night was dominated by mahjong, and managed to play through one entire round of mahjong, a personal record! Mmm I can see how I could easily get addicted to that game. Lots of twists and idiosyncracies, and yet, under it all it's rather endearing and enticing.
Have to start thinking about university stuff again though. PSC deadline approaching, and gotta write that essay for the application. Hopefully it won't be overly painful. Also been looking at Edinburgh and Birmingham. Guiltily, I've been more interested in the cities than in the institutions themselves...everywhere else really looks much more interesting than Singapore! Maybe it's just cos I'm still without somewhere to go abroad to set things back in perspective. But regardless, to be back in an European city would be really cool (even if the weather is uncooperative). Living in a whole new environment not run by the principles of efficiency and economies of scale.
Y'know, cracking open a new book has taken on the tinge of a luxury. Started on Life of Pi on Wed...not very enticing so far, the opening is soft and understated. Easy to read though...let my mind rest a bit from the treadmill. And also been running more. I think, ironically, that's becoming the high point of life. Adrenalin highs that break through the monotony that I haven't yet stopped reveling in yet =P Anyway, Ben Woon went in to camp today...so the countdown has started for the next big assignment.
And it seems like I will be going for Prom after all. Benuel suddenly offered his ticket to me, and since everyone else wants to go for my prom more than I do (or rather, everyone else wants me to want to go to the prom) I shall oblige them =P That's something to be planned for, so...more excitement over the next few days. One complication may be that I don't know where he's sitting...but I guess nothing's compelling anyone to stay in his seat the whole night, right? Except perhaps the food...
Will be going out later to have a gander at the Christmas lights downtown. YS organised this night city walkabout thing, something that I have to admit I've wanted to do myself. Bringing the camera along so I can snap some shots to mail over to the Taiwan pple. Christmas is coming, after all...should send something over to commemorate the occasion!
