A Note
Nothing more to report, really. Just that I think it's time to schedule a break. Can feel the fuse wearing out. Now there's the problem of organisation to deal with, in order to counter the condition in which you have too much information and it all comes out in a disorderly fashion. Usually to solve that problem I'd just study less - it's easier to organise info when you have less of it. But this time round shall try to go for the other extreme. Though I think perhaps I should have tried it out earlier so at least I have a test case.
Trawling the city for places to study, and I realise that the city is generally not a student-friendly place. Nowhere where you can really sit down and study undisturbed. I still think it's really inexcusable to bar students from studying in the library. There just isn't that kind of culture where people would just leave students alone without trying to squeeze money out of them. But ah well, can't really blame them...they are behaving rationally after all.
Oh, got yet another career opportunity from the Navy. Good grief I have to say that they are really too rich for their own good! Where the heck do they get the money to pay for such extravagant advertising campaigns? Well, it's good stuff, and whoever comes up with these ideas is really innovative, but I don't know if it's an optimal way of spending all that money, all the same. Mmm I guess it reinforces the view that the navy is rich, so we should go work for it and grow fat on that paycheck.
Mmm yes...must get Quidam music. It's soooo yummy!
Equilibrium
Heh unfortunately I don't have any Quidam music, Kueh. Although I'd very much like to have some! Don't have anything quite like the dystopian lighthearted mournfulness of circus music.
Seems like we've got something going on here...a study group emerged out of nowhere that includes the old 4N kids and Soph. She seems to end up in the strangest situations =P Anyway been discovering all the nice nooks and crannies to study downtown, which is so bohemian because you get to feel so intellectual with all these professional and slick people drinking their high-end coffee around you when you're munching down on your daily serving of History. Yep...now that the memorisation phase is over I am definitely happier. I think perhaps I may one day even look back on these days of self-scheduled time with nostalgia.
That is the single biggest advantage of study break - you have your own time in your own hands. Besides that...luckily I've got good study company. But beyond that...heh, we could do with less stress. Much less stress.
I find that I go into a trancelike state habitually now in the afternoons, when the studying is the most intense. It's like you can't respond properly to social stimuli...I always feel so wooden and robotic whenever someone tries to talk to me between 2 and 6 nowadays. But then, dinnertime is always fun in contrast. Get a bit of sugar into the bloodstream and I wake up to the real world again!
Unfortunately nothing much to report these days. Just chugging along. It's not boring, per se...since there is now no time left to indulge in the luxury of repetition. In fact it's a bit serene, actually, the state of being in which you know exactly what you have to do in the next hour or so. It's just nothing remarkable. Heh, being in equilibrium is quite a hard point to write from. Good thing it doesn't happen often, then =P
Oh there's a nice trip at the end of the year taking shape. Yeah...that's exactly what I need at this point...something to look forward to. Imagine the cathartic release after the 29th! Imagine the cathartic release of memorised facts and quotes after every single paper! Heh, at this point I'm approaching the time when I'd look forward to the start of the exams, just so we can get it over with and get back to living life again. And trip trip trip! Fun fun fun! =)
Chugging Ahead
Today has been really decadent by recent standards, I think. Have finished the memorisation phase of my studying, and now shifting into the practice phase. Shall pull a Joel and do as many essay plans as possible, according to how many question I have on hand. And shall just read essays...Joel's stuff is amazing. I would be happy just reading all that stuff all day long, except that I can't spare that kind of time. But I have to say that with the memorisation done, it looks like a friendlier world. Memorisation is deathly boring. Well, the materials are interesting, and memorising bits of the modern stuff was fun because they tend to be funnier, but it's just numbing. It's a relief, really, not to have to face another full day of quotes.
So happier now, now that I can start putting all that effort to good use. At least can vindicate to myself why I actually put myself through all that memorisation. Going to start on Econs soon! Must get going already, time is really running short. Heh been freaking Joel and Soph out with my schedule. It's not that I cannot deviate from it, really. It's just that I need to show myself that it can be done, that I can push myself that gruellingly. And anyway I've always been like that...sort of have to see things through all the way once I start on them.
It's fun, the arrangement we've got going now. Conan, JY, Joel, Soph, and occasionally whoever else happens to be around, studying downtown. Yesterday dinner at Carl's Jr, which was really insane! Joel invented some sort of cocktail involving a pile of lemons garnished with about half a cup of F&N grape. And what you do is to crush the lemons until the pulp turns purple. Then stick your straw into the mass of lemons and suck. You get this enormous rush of fizziness. It reminds me a bit of some sort of alcoholic drink, though I can't remember exactly what. But yeah...amazing what people can come up with =P
Soph is so enthusiastic about her iBook that I'm fast becoming a convert too. It really is ergonomic computing...a computer that's so adaptable that it moulds itself to your every conceivable need. Rather nifty how that little thing can contain so much information and so many ingenious programmes. Was rather impressed with the post-it programme that lets you paste stuff on the desktop (or dashboard, one of them). Heh I remember trying to do something like that back in Sec 2 with Visual Basic. Too primitive, though, that programming language. And now some inspired Apple guy has done it. Impressive. Heh even today while studying one of the foodcourt staff came over and asked about her computer, and where to get one. It's just seductive, that machine.
Well, I guess you'd want to know about the interview. It was okay, I guess. Not particularly confident that I impressed him very much, but it was a nice chat, at any rate. For the record, we talked first about conflict resolution, then migration rights, then democracy vs benign dictatorship, and then finally conscription. And I was asking him about Cambridge life (interesting stories he brings over from that town =P), and the other interviews. He said that the interviews have been pleasant enough so far - that's a shout-out to everyone else who had my guy for interview. He even mentioned specific people, who I don't think I should name here. Sufficeth to say that there have not been big catastrophes.
I have to say I'm very impressed by the Doctor. He is far more conversant than any doctor I've encountered in Singapore. The only problem is that it gets hard, when you're discussing theory with a doctor who hasn't read the classical stuff on sociology (not that I have, either...but how to bring in stuff like the Social Contract and make it comprehensible?), to discuss the more theoretical ideas. Strange thing...I ended up being the theorist while he became the practical man demanding to know what all my gobbeldygook means in real terms. At some points I think he got frustrated because I kept missing the point of his argument. Ah well. But it was a pleasure on my part at least. Heh, I just hope that it wasn't too much of a drag on him...three solid days of interviews can't be a walk in the park.
Hmm...well, we'll know what happens soon, at any rate. The thing now is that it's no longer in our hands, so we have to turn to more pressing concerns. Russian Rev essays tomorrow, and a maths paper. Back to work, then!
Dinner Reunion
Yesterday was fun! Productive day, and also had a good dinner at the cool new foodcourt in Wisma. Heh the old gang together again, and with a surprise appearance of Soph, for some reason that I didn't find out. Ah, it always feels good to be back in that gang again...things are simpler in there, and the whole experience is more...acute, somehow. More immediate, I think. Anyway, it's nice to resurrect old running jokes, and to see how well they've stood up to the test of time.
Oh yeah...maybe it's cos we get all sorts of strange notions on the fly. Whatever we did yesterday, I'd better not record it here, cos if the authorities can catch people for slander on blogs, they may be able to implicate us while reading this =P But it's that kind of spontaneity, that degree of throw-all-caution-to-the-wind, all-out bizarreness that I realised yesterday night that I really miss. At the time it seemed outrageous...but with the benefit of hindsight it seems more and more like a good idea. Witness what Fruits and Veggies has become; that was a spur of the moment thing too. Heh, I guess we just click that way. Some sort of alchemy at work in our destinies =P
Needless to say, though, I've given up trying to make RJ's experience into 4N. There can never be another 4N. Whatever fondness I feel for 1A now, it's different qualitatively from the bonds that exist still within that old class. Heh I wonder, though, what Soph thought of it. One evening with six CHS guys. Though I have to admit that we're not exactly representative of our batch...
I was rather surprised when we actually did end up studying last night. Well, not studying, actually, but we actually had notes out on the table. HC people are pathological, I swear. Seeing Joel with his impressive mounds of history around him is intimidating. The sheer amount of work they do (and they intimidate each other into doing) is remarkable in itself. Suddenly I have this notion to start doing essay plans for all the subjects like there's no tomorrow - and what do I find today in my inbox than question banks for all the E Hist topics? Mmm...looks like an orgy of work next week =P
The time is really running out to 8 Nov, and yet the immediacy of the exams hasn't really set in yet. Heh, have even been spending a chunk of time on planing the escapades for after the exams. I think maybe it's cos I've settled into a calm and stable routine, so it dilates my sense of time to make it look like I've got more time than I really have. Probably it's also because after the O's the A's don't seem to be all that alien. Hmph...but an insecure part of my mind keeps trying to psyche me into panic. Well, a certain degree of urgency is useful to bolster motivation, I guess, as long as it doesn't run amok.
TSA today was...interesting. I hate those mathematical questions that ask you to calculate time. So many opportunities to be careless. Heh, and the essay I wrote was rather dubious I think. 30min for an essay question that, under normal circumstances, I would spend more than an hour on. I chose to do a question on poverty, whether it can ever be ended, and if more aid is the solution. After the prelim GP paper, I was thinking of reproducing Naomi Klein's tract. But time constraints...in the end only touched on the complexities of the issues superficially, cosmetically, by mentioning that what I said in the essay must not be taken as the end-all. On hindsight, if I'd kept my wits around me better, it'd probably have been better to focus on one aspect of the problem only, instead of going for the broad overview.
Among the SPS people, I have to say there isn't that degree of suspicion and acrimony that I've come to associate with uni apps. Heh I guess everyone just tacitly agrees not to mention the topic. Well, we all try our best not to intrude into others' chances, I guess. I for one appreciate the effort; it certainly removes lots of unnecessary stress from everyone. But now the next stage of the game is the interview...bleah, really don't know what to expect from an interviewer whose profession and workplace has nothing in common with my application. Heh, I kind of worked out an answer to why I'm interested in SPS, though. I realise, after careful reflection, that all the Sim games I have are basically built on sociological systems. Simcity is more of an economics engine, but sociological indicators like health and education and approval are also used, and the objective is not only to build a rich functioning city, but also one that's livable. And of course there's the arch-sociological-simulator of all time, The Sims. I guess originally my fascination with sociology was thus rooted in a desire to understand the principles along which the Sim games were built, and to find out how come a computer game can so eerily reflect real world principles.
But of course, whether I'll actually dare to tell Prof. Barnes that my interest in the subject is based on computer games is another matter entirely =P I wonder if he'll be amused if I did...
Sociology
A sociologically significant day. Finally took the time to read on some basic sociology, and I am eager to do it for real now! Fascinating stuff, that...the examination of people and societies in relation to each other. How society is a human construct, but not under human control. Today, read sociological texts that seemed to examine (at least if I'm reading them rightly) reality-constructs, separate and isolating perceptions, the problem of sympathy, the problem of communication, and the concepts of self. Most interesting things read today - society is simultaneously the compelling force and the means of transformation, as well as the end result of that process. In a rather striking example, this guy said that the statement "We make a society" is flawed, because the grammar imposes a distinction between "we" and "society", which is not true. In effect "society" is at the same time the subject, the verb (method of change) and object of the sentence; it is a process that contains itself in its entirety (if that makes any sense at all). Thus, we have "society societies a society".
Also things about the conception of a self, or more accurately, the conception of multiple "selves" that make up "my self". In effect the guy was showing how in decision making and social interactions we have to put ourselves in other people's shoes to anticipate what they'll do and think in response to what we do and think. So within our conscious space, there's our selves, who do the planning to act, and these other selves which are tools through which we can see ourselves from the perspective of other people, and thus can refine our plans on how to act in order to make them more amenable to our actions. A bit complex, this idea. Basically "self" is an agglomeration of all these different perspectives that we continually assume in order to assess our own actions. There may be a fallacy in here, in that I don't think it's possible for a "self" as an entity to observe itself, just as some parts of our bodies are naturally invisible to us. So perhaps it's more accurate to visualise it as a super-"self" observing the possible results of interactions between a "self" that we present to other people, and the "selves" that other people present to us.
What an indulgent afternoon it was, in the library reading sociology and altogether taking a holiday from thinking about lit and history and all that stuff. And was rather proud of Pui Man too, who was making her first attempt at reading law books. Hmm...I'm still not convinced that law is really what she wants to do, but if she can stand reading those formidable tomes and make herself like it, I guess she can carve out a niche in the world of law. Anyway she can start looking like an academic easily =P Also was rather impressed to see lots of secondary school kids in the library, actually delving into the kind of material that I would never have dreamed of touching before coming to JC. Heavy-duty history texts that we're reading now for A level, and even some people looking at sociological stuff that is so technical that I wouldn't approach them at this point. Heh, maybe it's just a case of their choosing their materials wrongly, but still, it was rather impressive to see people in uniform prowling the plentiful shelves.
Interesting, too, was the MFA meeting this morning. What a strange situation to be in...people frankly admitting to each other that they are out to bamboozle each other. From a sociological point of view it is deeply fascinating. Such labyrinths of logic, perception, argument and misdirection that so many deceiving conversationalists can tie themselves into. What do you end up with when everyone knows that it is in everyone else's interests to lie? I'm not sure if any effective communication took place at all. Without some trust on some level, what basis is there for useful common understanding?
I have to say the 2PS is a very formidable character. Viciously cutting, very sharp, and bitterly "skeptical", to use his word. The power and quickness of that man's mind is astounding to watch. It is also very scary because you know there is great power there, and you also know you cannot control it or influence where it's directed against. And his frankness and pragmatism is amazing by the very virtue of its intensity. I'm not saying that makes him a nice guy. But that level of frankness...wow. I wonder what it takes to get to the position in which you can even afford to be that frank.
Heh, after that, lunch at Wisma was a relief. There's a cool new foodcourt there, really quite nifty. I like the concept...not because of the old-town charm, but because the attempt to import an old town's food street into a shopping centre gives rise to such comic and cute effects. It's like eating in a cartoon set. Anyway...was having lunch with Pui Man and Jiaxin, and it was refreshing, after all these weeks of nonstop Humans work, to talk to science people again. Mmm...it's not so much a grounding in the real world that they gave me today, but more like a chance to switch channels and think in terms of a scientist. A spot of mental exercise to freshen up the old intellectual muscles. Just like I think I'll have to do some real exercise soon, before my body starts to fall apart...
Mmm...Cambridge admissions stuff coming up. Just tried out the TSA, and it's an interesting test. Requires too much mental sums, I think, and there was a problem that involved cooking at the end of the test that I thought was unfair to males =P I only hope that I have the stamina to sit through the real thing on Sat. And interview on Wed turns out to be with this guy who appears to be a doctor...as in, a medical doctor. Emma College's admissions tutor, to boot. I wonder what on earth he'd be asking me...I have the feeling that I'll have to develop a case to defend SPS against a medic's skepticism.
Three Days
Nothing much to report...been studying according to schedule, is all. It feels good to sink into a routine of my own devising. The sense of ownership makes it easier to keep to it. Been happier than last week, partly because the affair has been concluded in its entirety (for all practical purposes at least), but mostly because I've started doing Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, which is a great work! Heh, it's been a real pleasure memorising quotes from there because the modernity and colloquialisms make them easier to remember, and because they're just fun. Really funny. Heh, which other work will offer something like "The way to a man's heart is through his wife's belly"? And it's definitely easier because I agree with its basic premise, all that absurdist/existentialist stuff about malleable realities and subjective perceptions.
There was a strange quote I came across though; Martha says, "George, who is good to me, and whom I revile; who understands me, and whom I push off; who can make me happy and I do not wish to be happy, and yes I do wish to be happy. George and Martha: sad, sad, sad." I originally thought she was referring to herself when she says "I do not wish to be happy", but maybe what Albee means is "George, who...I do not wish to be happy". Which one do you think it is? Either way the grammar is still rather awkward.
Oxford people having their interviews this week. Good grief, it causes so much unnecessary acrimony, this whole uni application thing. To be sure, it concerns our futures and all that, but some of the competition is just plain unproductive, and is just inconsiderate. It's things like these, I realise, when the competition is raised to an obvious and unavoidable level, when all the ugly politicking emerges. And I realise that this kind of thing tends to happen only with girls. Frankly, some of the people have been positively rabid, blowing the significance of this one interview into a life-and-death struggle. Such insecurity...it seems that in the game of realpolitik, any confidence in one's own abilities and chances is annulled by an overdose of pragmatic and assiduous covering of every single base and vulnerability. The truth is, some of the competition can feasibly be foregone in favour of just some more niceness.
Of course, it's undeniable that my aloofness is made easier because I can afford to do so. Yet when I envision myself in that kind of situation, I don't think I can bring myself to go to such lengths to snatch every possible advantage over other people. Heh, I guess I'm timid like that...skin not thick enough. It's just easier for me to forgo the competition and step back. At this point I'm beginning to think that perhaps it's an insufficiency on my part, my inability to play the game an enter completely into the rat race. It may be that I do need to learn how to survive in the real, vicious world. But at this point it just seems to be such a trivial thing. It's not even a philosophical point we're fighting over; it's just a place in a university which was already unlikely to end up in our hands to start with. A little bit more intelligence probably would make no difference, so why not forgo it for some more decency, which will make a difference to other people?
Hmm...yesterday Purvis was talking about Silas Marner, and again the whole Christian-bashing routine came up again. I'm still bemused at how one is supposed to see Eliot's morality concept and Christianity as mutually exclusive. There is nothing that Eliot says that is forbidden in Christianity; if anything, I'm continually surprised at how much the priests seem to agree with what she says. Christianity (or Catholicism at least) seems to be rather compassionate to people and individuals. It's more forgiving than real life, really, without the viciousness and intolerance of failure. To me at least, if you can survive the strictures and prejudices of real life at its worst, then whatever doctrines there are in Catholicism are no problem to accept.
Tomorrow going to MFA again. Heh...yesterday logged into the PSC gateway, and the application process is rather annoying. So much data that must be inputted. I think I should construct a proper CV to keep all the records straight. Someday. And there's also the choices that need to be filled in...I think I shall put MFA as first choice, but beyond that I don't have any ideas. Must find out if MOE will take my SPS degree, if only for the social history stuff that I want to do. Anyway...tomorrow. I hope it'll not be racked with tensions. The last session was very pleasant, with mellow people and intelligent discussion. Basically I think what made it so nice was that it felt natural, like no one was forcing a certain image of themselves. For tomorrow, I hope people won't be putting up pretences about themselves.
Quidam
Just a short note here. Watched Quidam on DVD today, and good heavens it was good! I wish now that I'd gone to the actual thing. Am determined to watch at least one Cirque du Soleil performance before I die. It's positively magical...it's not so much a circus in the traditional sense of the word as it is a piece of absurdist theatre. Everything taken totally to extremes. Brilliant costumes and makeup to really make the faces of the characters totally otherworldly. And the performances themselves...stunning displays of grace, delicacy, inhuman precision and incredible sheer strength. What really struck me was how little time the show actually stayed on the ground. I mean, there were the usual servings of acrobatics and clowns and juggling on the ground, and rather clever comedy, but most of the time you have people dangling from cloth or ropes and entwining themselves into incredible shapes, or you have acrobats leaping up three storeys to complete this unbelievable human skyscraper, or you have trapeze artists twirling themselves into helicopter frenzy. Seriously a magical experience, that show. I think it would be easy to slip back into a sort of childish sense of wonder under that big top. You'll start believing in magic after that show, because so many incredible things happen. Heh, as it was I caught myself applauding at the TV screen =P
Anyhoos, the very best of wishes for people going into the university interviews this week. The only thing I can think to say at this point is to get a good night's sleep. Helps you to keep your head in the interview, and in things like these, I find that a clear head is the most important asset. Heh, and may as well have fun, right? Knock their socks off, guys!
These Few Days
Hmm how odd...these few days have been going up and down, seriously. Went back to school on Fri to collect results and everything, and now I think the affair has taken a turn for the worse again. People get the wrong impressions, I guess...the tragedy of the experiential gap, the isolation of imperfect perception. Bah. How some people misconstrue things.
Ah well, but feeling better today, after going to church. That place always provides the timeliest advice. Actually I think that the church is actually more humanist than some of the Protestant denominations. There is really no point at which church teachings and Purvis's most militant views are mutually exclusive. Sometimes I wonder how come he has that view of Christianity, and yet, he's a better Christian than some of us. Anyway, finally found the strength to let it go, and now I feel much happier. The whole thing was really poisoning every moment of my life. Well, at least every idle moment. It gets annoying when you're trying to memorise bits of Silas Marner, and suddenly this gout of resentment comes out of nowhere to whack you off-course.
Yesterday was...good, I guess, all things considered. May I state at this point in time that I don't hold anything against my class at all. Typically I don't put much significance on a class of people, this arbitrary collection of individuals in a room. A class is only the alphanumeric designation for the abovementioned group to me. What is important is the people within. And to that end I am on good terms with them. There is no schism.
It is just that I sometimes like to be with other people. I've already spent so much time with them. And anyway, these people do tend to stress me out, quite frankly. The pressures of performance. It's just that I want to get a different flavour of life sometimes, a different mood. The class's people have grown on me, as in I can work with them, I can care for them, and all that, but taken as a social unit, the class still feels rather surreal to me. Detached from the real world. And something keeps prodding me to tell me that I'm not supposed to be there, in that high-octane super-achiever world.
Heh poor Soph...I'm afraid that my situation is stressing her out too much. I do feel that I've impinged on my friends a lot these few days. Soph the voice of rational distance, Joel the familiar distractor. For these people I do think that things will not return to normal; they can't pretend that I didn't ever suffer a virtual psychological collapse on them. But they're sporting people...they'll play along with me =P Good thing for me that I had them handy; but I'm beginning to see how it may not have been such a good thing for them...
Watched Peter Pan yesterday with YS...boy, that was something that I really needed! An escape into a fairy-tale world. And what an extravaganza! These foreign productions, with all their sleek sets and supercharged acting and high-tech special effects...they really pushed the Esplanade theatre to the limit, and I've never seen such spectacular performances. They must have dumped kilos of glitter through the course of that show! Heh, and at one point, Peter Pan actually flew out over the heads of the audience, and for a breathless moment, your stunned mind actually blossoms with awe, and you do believe in fairies.
I never noticed, though, the dark undertones of Peter Pan. The whole idea of stereotypes being broken, the undercurrent of darkness in the Trappers, and the notion of a magical world in fragile equilibrium. The way they did it, the maxim "Without belief, there is nothing" is not just a childish mantra but carries ominous implications. It's something that we Singaporeans need to hear, I think. Heh, was rather disappointed when, at the end, there was this audience participation bit, and the cast tried to get the audience to join them in the dancing, and even from the middle of Circle 2 I could see the reluctance in their movements. Ah well...slowly does it, I guess.
Oh, and a note of encouragement for the uni apps of everyone! US apps being sent out now, and everyone's busy freaking out over them. And the Oxbridge interview schedule has been published, and I didn't know I had to take a written test! Bah, now there's something else that will disrupt my carefully balanced schedule. Well, I hope everyone has a fun time, at least, doing all these applications. The future is looming ahead, and it seems that our time has come to close our fingers around it.
One last thing...got my enlistment notice today. Jan 7th is the magic date now. Really quite cool, because JC's going in at the exact same time as well. It all sounds rather exciting, actually...sailing to the secret military base on this remote offshore island, getting all that military gear which is like all our childhood toys enlarged to adult size, and training to use guns and tactics and all that. The way they worded the letter for BMT makes it sound rather nice. At this point, I actually quite look forward to it, honestly. The prospect of a new adventure; that's what it looks like now. The only problem with the date is that I'm probably going to have the suckiest birthday ever next year =P
Resolution
Once again, thank you everyone for your kind words. It's going to sound sentimental, but they have been instrumental in pointing the right direction out of this mudslinging and trash. Puts things in the right perspective, that at the end of the day, it's still people who matter.
Yesterday night was...interesting. Like I said, was investigating the physiological effects of extreme duress, and one of them was to totally kill the appetite and send me to bed with a splitting headache. I shan't scare you guys with the details of the exorcism...it's just that right before going to sleep, suddenly there was a painful jerk and a sort of exhilarating pain, as if God had finally lost patience with me and yanked the whole affair out of my hands. Catharsis? Exorcism? I don't know. I was in the middle of a round of prayers. Hmm...but after it happened I suddenly fell asleep, so if this was God's doing then he derailed my endeavours towards a higher divinity...
Mmm but this morning was much better. With one night's distance between me and the affair, and with the spatial distance of not being in school, everything fell into its rightful place. Opening today with watching the news was a good idea, as it turned out. It's hard to pick at this issue when you're hearing about the devastation in the Himalayas and in the Amazon. Everything jumps into its correct focus. And downstairs, people were clearing up after a funeral. And then, the whole of yesterday starts seeming rather self-indulgent, with me wallowing in my self-pity.
At this point, I would like to reassure everyone that I am all right, for the most part. I am functional and studying for my A Levels, and everything is proceeding as it should be. What seemed impossible yesterday, I have been able to reduced to bite-sized chunks today, and I am determined not to bother anymore about this stupid thing. Heh, even talked to P about this, which was rather weird, to tell the truth. Hard to overcome the barriers of position and prejudice to talk frankly. But absurdism has always taught us how important clear communication is. As to that, therefore, a working relationship has been restored. Respect has been restored. Trust, though, has to be rebuilt over time. I find that with regards to him, trust lays me too open to unexpected turns in mood. It is dangerous to take him that seriously.
And as for J, I hope never to cross paths with her ever again. That should be no problem, considering that I don't plan to return to school (that is now not so much because I can't stand school, but because it just isn't a productive use of limited time). Can I forgive her? Well, I guess I can. In fact, I think now that it takes too much effort to nurture a vendetta. But forget - no, I don't think so. It'd be idiotic to forget. I shall remember what she did, if only to know how to recognise it in the future and cut it off before it has a chance to blow up in the faces of innocent people.
The main toll of this whole thing, after all, is the people. It has placed too much stress on too many people. It is astounding, really, to see what one person's self-centredness can do to so many people. In fact it seems even the teachers have to go out of their way to try to resolve this issue so everyone can return to more important things. This cost is why there can be no practicable reconciliation between me and J now. The infliction of such wanton suffering is just plain disgusting; quite frankly, this relationship is not worth saving. Eliot is right, after all: the superior morality is the one that takes into account the most people. It'll take lots of argumentative acrobatics to convince me that her viewpoint takes into account anyone other than herself.
Oh well. In other news, however, discovered a nice place to study today, with Joel and Lucas. I promised not to reveal the location, in case it gets flooded with people =P Hmm...interesting, to catch up again with Lucas. He seems to have ended up doing the stuff I'd never have expected him to get into - first Higher Chinese, and now Econs and Maths. What happened to Lit? Anyway, it's nice to be out with real people once again, tackling the familiar task of studying. It's a refuge in Marlow's rivets, as Shoojee said. It feels normal, it feels worthwhile, it feels real. Mmm and reading s-urreal and april-da-fool's blogs grounds me back in the familiar. Enough with living in this ludicrous limbo. I'm eager to get back to normal life, and find my way back to real life again.
Grief
Before I begin today may I remind the reader that this is my sovereign territory, and I am entitled to write what I like in it. The choice lies with you if you want to read this. The only concession I will make is not to name the people involved, and this is done as a courtesy, not a right for privacy. As far as I'm concerned that right has been reneged when respect for my person has been infringed upon.
Well, there is another post, which is so ugly and incoherent that out of consideration for the readers who are not involved in this (another courtesy, not a right), I don't think I can post it publicly.
So that's the end of that. The thing is practically over, but psychologically I still feel terrible. All through the day I've been investigating the physiological aspects of heavy stress. Stomach upset, high blood pressure, a nagging pain in my head around the temples. This whole affair is so ludicrous I'm still amazed it happened at all. There was too much stress all around, and so little to show for all the trouble. And none of the committee deserved to be put through this at all.
People seem to forget that we're a charitable organisation. Our objective is not so much to give CIP hours as to collect money for the needy. After all the trouble with this, I think I'm never again going to go into charity work, if I'm not in charge of the organisational auditing side of affairs. It was so hard to get the approval, get the equipment, get the venues, and even giving money to the charity was hard, as if they didn't really want our money. As to the issue, to be fair, there were severe organisational shortcomings. But we achieved our main purpose. Now, to lambast the whole organisation over the issue of 10 hours (and 10 CIP hours at that, and 10 hours that would not matter to anyone in 2 months' time at that) is to be grossly unfair in my opinion. This whole thing has been taken out of its proper perspective.
There has been an affront to all our dignity, I think. That is the lasting damage. That is why I'm not able to let it go. My impression of the 'system', and the people who work in it, has changed catastrophically. For someone to be able to get away with this, to stand a charitable cause on its head to milk it for insignificant statistical gain, is downright disgusting. That's what is eating at me...disgust. Not pure, uncomplicated hatred. But a deep disgust at the persons involved.
And it's not just J. It's P, too, and his cultural arrogance that was so inappropriate today. Normally I can let it pass as just being what expats do for kicks, but today it went too far. It was wholly unnecessary and inconsiderate considering all the people who were involved. To be fair, his perspective on this issue was really restricted; by rights he shouldn't be involved at all. But it is just plain inconsiderate behaviour to presume to override other people's sensibilities with your own views.
Hai...it's an ugly feeling, this disgust. Poisonous. I can feel it eating at me. I need to get it out of the way fast, because I frankly can't afford the time to nurse a grievance. But what is the way out? I tried to give the whole shebang up to God, and for a few minutes I'd feel better. Then my psyche would grab the issue back from God and start gnawing at it again. It's not that I don't want to give it away; it seems like I'm incapable of detaching myself from it, to find the right perspective on this, to make the injustice and the hurt seem less personal and more manageable. It's a scary feeling, to have emotions that are out of your control.
One thing's for sure. I have no more patience for this ridiculous issue. I have no more patience for this ridiculous system. Clearly going to school has begun to incur too high an opportunity cost. It'll take a lot to get me back in there before the A's. I don't care anymore what the school thinks, since they seem to be liable to think the most ridiculous things.
But I have to thank everyone for their support again. It has been an ugly day, and I'm afraid I've imposed myself upon too many people today. Soph and Joel had to bear the brunt of it again. It's something vicious that wants to express itself, but I think I don't have the right to bother people into listening to my rant, especially given the circumstances we are all in now. But then it's hard to contain and control, you see. Really draining. I tried out a suggestion from Atonement: found a switch of wood and started whipping the air with it. That was relaxing, listening to that switch sing through the air. And then sitting in a tree...it felt like returning to the real world again. The wood, the sunshine, the wind, and a spot of rain halfway through. That's what the real world is made of. That's what matters, not what goes on in the confines of those white and green walls. Perhaps therein lies the path out of this mire.
But yes...thanks to everyone for their understanding. I shall try to get out of this as soon and as painlessly as possible.
Vexation
Mmm yes that's what I thought Lit should be like too, Kueh an Shoojee...but when teachers start contradicting each other then things start to get scary. Well, like I said, they probably aren't contradicting each other explicitly, but the thing is that how to reconcile the two is not clear to the students, which is the crux of the problem. Had Grace and JC over yesterday, and Grace was saying that we should read "around the text", like read about the sociohistorical context that produced it, read all the critical commentaries, read all the psychowhatsit that is related to it. While I'd maintain that first and foremost you need to read into the text, as Purvis has explained. The rest is interesting, but only inasmuch as they can be substantiated from the text, and even then, the text is of primary importance. An essay with two quotes or something like that doesn't seem to even require you to read the books it is based on to be written. Ah well, will ask Purvis tomorrow, clear this up as soon as possible.
* * * * *
Today was a traumatic day. I've not felt such poisonous feelings since that incident with our poor Chem teacher in 3N. A passage comes to mind in Atonement to describe the feeling. Now, this is my sovereign territory, and I am entitled to write anything I like here, but I shall do a courtesy and not describe what happened here. This is not a question of violating privacy, because as far as I'm concerned this situation is so pathetically petty that it doesn't deserve the dignity of privacy. This is just a courtesy to the people involved. I shall say no more, except that I do not want anything like this to happen to me ever again. Ever.
But a good thing was that Soph and Joel were over today to study, which was a real blessing, because they definitely helped to purge my psychological state. Those feelings are really too ugly to be entertained (probably something like that is normal experience to Kurtz or someone like that), and I did find that with their help it was easier to draw back from the madness and the sheer fury and to pull back and take the right perspective on this. That it really wasn't worth the time to stress over, that it was better to let this whole thing drop. Having their presence was soothing, I have to admit. By myself I'd probably have destroyed something to release the tension.
Heh well, allegedly we were supposed to study, but you know how things like this work out. In the end we did like one hour of work, I think, before the second stage of the crisis broke and disrupted my plans for the rest of the day. I think the worst thing about this issue is the sheer amount of time inexcusably wasted on it. The whole thing blown grossly out of proportion. Anyway, I said I won't talk about it anymore. So anyway, watched lots of Whose Line to prevent me blowing a gasket, and then we just talked for like two hours or something. That was the end to our scholarly pretenses =P
At this point I can't really express properly how much I valued Joel's presence. Mmm...it's the feeling that he really does know what it's like to go through something like this. It's the feeling that you're not alone with your own demons, I guess, evidence that it is possible to overcome them successfully and to go on to become a healthy person. There is definitely relief in finding that at the top, one doesn't need to be wholly lonely. A commonality of experience and sympathy that is bracing, reassuring.
And Soph...hehheh the three of us make a rather interesting social unit, if you want to look at it psychoanalytically. We are such a brutally realistic bunch =P No pretenses can survive the laser glares of three realistic cynics. We were talking about politics in the two schools, and then somehow it turned into an evaluation of the love problem. Nothing new there, since we've all gone through the arguments so many times already. And then holidays...hmm I'm really wanting to get away from this place now. Increasingly unwilling to sacrifice my holidays for the early placement for the scholarships. To go somewhere were politics has no role to play, where one can afford to relax, and where the luxury of boredom can be re-embraced.
Actually right I have to thank everyone for, well, if not rallying around, then at least expressing concern. For this issue, the less people involved, the better, I think. Anyway everyone else definitely has more important things to do than to get embroiled in this cute little dispute. But it does feel good to have at least a secondment in my opinion. Makes me feel more secure. It is thus with a tinge of pleasant surprise to see that so many people actually care about the outcome of this thing, the impact it'll have on the people involved.
After dinner (where everyone, even my family, joined in the fun of imaginary flaying), we watched Russell Peters. Hehheh, laughter really is the best medicine in these scenarios. Reduces blood pressure, apparently, and it resets your perspective to something more reasonable, allows you to step back and see the real issue at hand here. Heh, maybe tomorrow I'll throw in the Indian accent, just to disarm the atmosphere...Anyway, was thinking that for a society to be able to produce such a hilarious character, and for that society to be able to absorb his racial jokes without resorting to arrests and fines, is a mark of maturity. Like Shoojee said. A sense of humour and a sense of tolerance; maybe these two are the engines behind the progress of society.
Oh well...today wasn't a complete lost. There was a good revision for Heart of Darkness, one that I was intending to use to complete the last Quote Thematiser. Unfortunately today's thing seemed to have proved too disruptive and I'm afraid I've lost most of the more complex ideas. But putting the final touches on the Thematiser, there was a feeling of nostalgia, I guess. No more creative work now, from now on it's just practice and memorisation all the way up to the A's. It was actually fun to do the Thematiser, because the book is such a good read. And I know a part of me will miss this quote-trawling and notemaking, will miss the well-worn mental paths of choosing and explaining textual material. Ah well, I hope that the Thematiser will make a fitting end to the whole series, at any rate.
And I have to put in a note that the whole Thematiser and Organiser project has proved rather successful, I think. More people are really starting to share material and advice and help. It helps to reduce the unnecessary tension, I think. That's why, I have to thank everyone for their help, in defeating the oppressive competition that is so easy to slide into.
Anyway...tomorrow...I really don't want to go to school. Will have to waste even more time over this stupid thing. Bah, it feels like I'm going to war now. Like I'm a watch-soldier waiting for the dawn on the eve of battle. But either way, this thing will end tomorrow. I can't afford the time or patience to let this thing drag out any longer. The boundaries of civil discussion and basic decency are about to be breached, I think. It'll be a test of mettle to see whether we'll be able to maintain our patience and clear-headedness tomorrow, whether or not we'll be able to transcend the personal emotional level that threatens to poison all of us.
Well, we'll see what happens.
Last Day of Classes
Yesterday was the last day of classes! Maybe there will never be a scenario in which we will actually have to sit in a room with 20 other students and listen to one teacher again, especially if we're going into one-on-one supervisions next year (hopefully). But still, yesterday was a bit of a non-starter, because it was so short, and because quite a few people were not in school.
But was determined to make it worth it, so brought the guitar to school. After all, what is a guy to do between the end of school at 10am and the start of Hist S at 2pm? Mmm thank God for my guitar, it's become the primary stress relief method nowadays. Cheap, readily available, and devoid of guilt. Managed to play Light in Your Eyes for Chern's singing pleasure, but it doesn't sound as good without piano accompaniment. Ah well. I like playing Stairway to Heaven! Such a melodic line for the verses. I leave the pro guitar solos to someone else...
Two worries yesterday. First was a real mess with the somethingood hours...had to straighten things out, and avert several political incidents with people getting "insufficient" hours. In all fairness I don't condone any more changes in hours, especially additions of hours, because most of the requests for addition so far have been largely unjustifiable. Yes, we have help friends out and all that, but if you want to quibble over such a trivial thing as CIP hours (not even the CIP itself), then clearly you don't deserve it: no sense of charity. And anyway, here's a situation in which we can actually enhance equity. And finally, the greatest reason, because it'd be such a bother - one change will become the reason for more changes down the line.
Another one was for Lit S. A bit bizarre, because the approach given by Mr. Evans and Mr. McConnell don't seem compatible with what Mr. Purvis has been telling us. For them the approach seems to be not so text-based, and you talk about the historiography of the novel (i.e. put it in its historical context and evaluate whether it is typical of the literary interests of the time), and you talk about narrative theories (stream-of-consciousness, pseudo-psychological mumbo-jumbo), and basically get all theoretical. Now that sounds like what Grace (the VJ one, not the 13A one) has been telling me is the right way to do things, and I've been telling her that it must be text based first and foremost. Well...like for Econs, now's a really bad time to tell us that our style has been wrong all this time. But like for Econs too, maybe this conflict can be resolved, in that the essay should start from textual analysis and then use that as a foundation to delve into theoretical philosophical tracts. At least I hope it's not an entirely incompatible approach with what we've been doing.
Actually I think this prelims has been very lucky for me. My screwed up lit papers happened to coincide with what the teachers expected, I think...only the PCs and the Frost essay turned out as expected. And I'm thinking that if Purvis had read my Lit S books, or if my S essays had not been marked by him, then I wouldn't have the results I have now. The trouble is that I haven't convinced myself that it's not a fluke, that I can reproduce that kind of performance in November. At this point in time, though, I think that is the healthier position to take. Now is time to guard against letting it get to my head. After all, usually I find that I'm actually stupider than I think I am.
Ah well, so that was yesterday. Nothing much to report really, except that I wanted to make a note of the end of formal classes. A week that is remarkable only in its overall dreariness I think, though to be fair there have been bright enough instances provided by helpful and open people. I shan't reflect on the class now...don't think I'll be able to do it justice at the moment. But I do feel a tad sad, because our time is coming to an end - regardless of everything else, endings always tend to invoke moroseness in me.
* * * * *
Today's FIREfly Seminar was more or less a waste of time. Didn't tell us anything particularly interesting, or even new. I don't find myself fancying working in any of those agencies besides STB actually, because of the heavier economic leaning of the others. I'd much rather work with people than with numbers, and it strikes me that it is a bad idea to let economists and engineers determine Singapore's tourism skyline. I seriously think I can do better than "Uniquely Singapore"...
But on the bright side, I like how these things have the way of turning into impromptu reunions. As may be expected, there were quite a few HC people there, and even met JC (incidentallly I must put a stop to the spreading of that issue...it's getting way out of proportion). It was good to see Joel again...feels like talking to a kindred spirit. I still wish we were in the same class, or at least the same school. But ah well...that guy is going places, and if things work out then we'll at least be in the same country next year. I wonder if I'll be able to crash Oxford like I crash HC now =P
Poor Pui Man, though, had to tolerate hours of my whispering asides to her in the talks. They were really too pointless for words. The most vexing thing was that they were wasting valuable time, time that could have been spent studying or playing Civ III =P So I found myself outside the auditorium, allegedly on a toilet trip, and eventually she, Joel, JC and Lucas had joined me, and we were holding a sort of shadow conference about prelims and scholarships and whatnot. Rather amusing now that I think of it...I wonder whose bright idea it was to make us sit in an LT for 3 hours straight with no breaks. And I wonder why no more people actually entertained idea of staying outside the LT. It wasn't as if there was something to miss on the inside...
Waiting
Been rather morose these few days...there's a pervasive feeling of tiredness and listlessness, and I really can't bring myself to bother about so many things. I think partly it's because of all the little niggly details that we have to take care of now, trivialities like CIP hours and the stupid, stupid PEARLS points. Ominously, somethingood has come back to haunt us. Inevitable, really. I just wish that people wouldn't plumb for hours so desperately. Seriously, some people just don't deserve the full package. I believe in fairness. It's the game, I suppose...at this late juncture, tidying yourself up so you'll look good and shiny, squeezing out every last advantage you can get. It's all so depressingly petty. I really cannot bring myself to care about this kind of thing. So there's this pang if incisive annoyance whenever anyone starts talking about things like this. I'm beginning to realise that perhaps I'm not so good at the game of living in the ratrace after all.
Also probably some of the sadness is because everything's grinding to an end. And it's ending on such a shallow note too, with checking of exam papers, no new things to think about, just pottering around the same old thought paths. I always thought it should end with something more wrenching, but this glide to a standstill instead of a spectacular crash is also deeply sobering in its way. There's a feeling that we're allowing everything to quietly die; it's only Purvis's lectures and lessons that are still memorable now. The weight of words and years. But maybe in this case I'm being unnecessarily sentimental. Maybe everyone else knows, just as most of 4N knew, that the end of the formal school period is not the end to all companionship.
But I think mainly the moroseness is due to the waiting. There's a sense of anticipation that pervades these days, a sense of incompletion, of something else that we should be doing, somewhere else that we should be. I think this is my way of gearing up for the next couple of months, the waiting, the plodding, the waiting to do something else, to be free again, to have my time given back to me. So, school is quickly becoming a surreal experience, something in which to go through the motions, a waystation to something more important afterwards. It is with a sense of unending tenseness and anticipation that I watch these last few days dribble away. There is something else that I must do.
There is a real danger, now, of becoming separated from the real world. I find myself clinging to anything familiar, anything normal, now. Sometimes I just walk straight out of class because the conversation had taken a turn that makes absolutely no sense to me. Outside, one can breathe real air for a while, have real worries. Even real worries have become a luxury, worries that matter to people, to other people. In a strange way, it's only when I'm alone, thinking about other people's troubles, that I can begin to be at peace. This idle rumination, this worrying, is something that I'm good at, and it has the comforting sensation of a familiar and well-beaten path, hardened by years of weather and wandering.
But there are moments of reality, I think, that still keep me in control. Mornings in 13A where I expensively spend my energy before allowing myself to be sucked into the groove of normal lessons, moments of conversation about immediate problems outside the sphere of the academic, a look that does not size me up as a potential threat. And today, the ultimate feel-good moment, watching Corpse Bride with Thong, Shoojee, Wiggy, Ben Woon and Ian. Hehheh...that show is worth it just so you can get a good laugh. An hour and twenty minutes of unthinking, unstrategising, unplanning laughter.
I don't like this, I don't like this, I don't like this. I want it to end as soon as possible, and yet a part of me warns that if this passes then nothing like it will come back again. If only this week didn't have to end in competition, then I'd think that it has been really worth the trouble.
But then again, I've done it before, and I can do it again. Step out of the game whether they like it or not. I'm not going to play something that I have no desire for. I'm going to make this week worthwhile no matter what.
Notes for Today
The post-exam holiday effectively ended on Sunday with an orgy of Civ III. Was busy battling invading armies à la Revolutionary France. Heh but got bored of it after a while, and watched Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Oddysey. Wow. What a show. It's positively psychadelic! No real plot tension, I think, but the visuals were stunning for a show made in 1968. Heh, it really struck me as more of a theatrical piece than a work of cinema. I mean, it even came with house music, and an intermission (considering it was 2.5h long, that was a good idea). And the classical music made an exquisite counterpoint with the spaceships flying around - someone once called the docking maneouvre a ballet in space, and the movie really plays on that concept I think. And near the end the movie dissolved into a series of psychadelic light shows, whose significance I really can't tell. And finally it ends with a positively existentialist or even absurdist piece of drama, exquisitely carried out with an intricate set and splendid choreography.
All in all I don't think the movie actually qualifies as a sci-fi piece. It's more of an exploration of the emotional effects of the manipulation of audio and visual media, I think. The intersection of music with the visuals is absolutely stunning. Like with the Monolith, which is really just a smooth black slab. But add to that really spooky and discordant choral music, and you get an ominous and looming alien artifact. At the end of the movie the Monolith appears in a Victorian-era room, its blackness stark against the light colours of the room, and the swelling music brings one's terror to a climax. Elegantly done.
And before that went to Claud's place for dinner on Saturday. Hehheh, that was really enjoyable =P The salad was excellent, and the pizza was good too, though I missed the making of the pizza since I was in church. And the conversation! I wonder sometimes where the heck we get those ideas from. Poor Vaish...it seems like she always gets caught making double-entendres nowadays. Hehheh and later Thong pulls one of the classic party gags by presenting Claud with a package swathed in newspaper, and forcing her to disassemble the formidable wad to find...an origami jack-in-the-box inside =P That was a good one indeed!
Oh well it was fun while it lasted. Now's time to start to do real work again! Heh trying to get enough revs to launch away on maths and Conrad at the same time. Now that this is the last Quote Thematiser, most likely of all time, I feel rather nostalgic drawing it up. More motivated now than ever before to make it something that will be truly useful to everyone, not just myself. One last fling with Lit, I guess =P
Bleah, I need to brush up on econs starting immediately, but it's rather demoralising to have two teachers effectievly telling you to do two different things. The mainstream teachers don't seem to be on the same wavelength as Mr. Sowden. Well, to be sure, there's probably a way to reconcile their different approaches, but now is certainly not the time to reveal to us that we've been taking the wrong way all this time. I mean, I understand the need to demonstrate fundamental economic understanding, but I find it so much more interesting to do the analytical stuff with the assumption that some economic ideas don't need to be explicated to death before they can be used for evaluation of a certain scenario. What seems to me to be the case now is to revert back to a Sec 4 Geog-type regurgitation of concepts and catchphrases, which is all well and good, except that they should have told us sooner that this was the correct way of doing it.
Brighton Rock by Graham Greene is a rather entertaining read, actually =P My last piece of fiction before I really put aside novels up till December. It's not really lit-heavy; there are nice instances of clever devices, but it's not particularly challenging to read. Just fun to follow a thriller's plot for once. A good old crime flick, as it were. Wiggy says that it gets worse nearer the end, but so far I've rather enjoyed it. Reading about the seedy underworld, and how one murder leads to another, and now the whole thing's about to erupt into a marriage. Rather bizarre, the lengths to which one person will go to feel secure in his position. I myself value my security very much; it is the foundation of my self-esteem. But would I kill for it? I don't think I have the guts to do so. Which makes Pinkie rather compelling, in a Kurtzian sort of way.
How often is it that you get to chat without compunction? Heh, with everyone geared up over marks and gearing up over A levels and the approaching UCAS deadline (now that October is here it's time to think about universities again =( will try to get it over with as fast as possible), it's positively therapeutic to ramble over the comversational continuum without any particular purpose except to burn time. Heh I remember talking about the old school again. You'd think that after all this time I would start to lose my attachment to the old place, but I keep surprising myself; the old place has a stronger grip on me than I expected, and it's always a nice feeling to talk about it. Am I old enough to start feeling true nostalgia for something?
Introduced Chern to Bejeweled today. You know, the game where you flip diamonds around? Hehheh what sheer delight and fun, a kind of satisfaction at being able to react so quickly to visual input. Apparently she's already addicted on it. She should challenge Mum =P Ah well, we get our fun wherever we can, I suppose, and who's to begrudge her her jewel-switching enjoyment?
