End of Commontests
Good grief, it seems like the entire dd.vg url redirection service has been bought over by this funny usenet site, and my allegedly eternally constant dd.vg address has now become useless. Ah heck...no more redirection I guess. Link directly to this site, at http://phoenican.f2g.net/. How annoying. And the fact that I didn't tell anyone the actual address of the site means that a long tedious process of notification must start...
* * * * *
Anyway, end of commontests today with maths and Lit S. Heh, thought that the combination would be really screwy, but as it turned out wasn't really too bad. Math was easier than the last commontest I think, but maybe it's only cos I did so much more preparation for it this time. The formula sheet was utterly useless...none of the questions referred to it. And I thought the Errata sheet was a piece of rough paper for workings till I turned it over. Lit S was fun...though my question choice was not too wise on hindsight. Both questions were self-indulgent I think, one concerning my personal preference in literature, and the other concerning the relationship between the writing and the reality it is meant to reflect. The thing is that for both I have my own strongly held views, but I can't handle the language well enough to express my ideas clearly under exam conditions. Heck, I can't even express them well in homework. So it was fun to do that paper, but the lesson learned is that for marks maximisation, I should probably not choose the questions that I feel most strongly about.
All in all, not a baddish commontest. Looking forward to getting back all the papers except Lit, ironically. That set of papers is the hardest of all...you can't guarantee anything with a Lit paper. Especially if your name doesn't start with a "J" and end with an "onathan" =P Heh don't take it wrongly...he is a great writer, and he has my respect. And the conclusion, ironically, is that it's not worth it to study so hard for Lit. Or rather, not to study so hard for the novels. I think if I'd been memorising Frost poems rather than Native quotes, my returns to scale would have been higher.
Aaaanyway...papers ended today, so naturally we had to go out. It was a really slow journey with Oh-san, Aps, Soph, Claud, Ian and Thong; the group was supposed to travel to Orchard to meet Vaish. In the end we took like 1.5h to get to Orchard from school, because people kept diverting to other places. Heh, like Hardy wrote, "Men are drawn from their intentions, even in the course of carrying them out." Anyway, went to Borders, and took advantage of Thong's 20% off coupon to buy Sharon Olds's Strike Sparks, an anthology of works from all her books, which is conveniently just what the doctor ordered =P Now to find poems that complement her work.
And then went to stone in nydc and chatted about lots of stuff, but what exactly we were talking about doesn't come to mind anymore. It's that kind of effervescent conversation you have to burn time. And it was utterly delicious, because it was the first time in a really long time that I'd had a time like that. Last year we always went to Holland V to talk like that. This year, there just isn't time. Which is why when we actually did it today, it felt so good. To have the time, and to be able to choose without guilt to waste it, that is a luxury indeed.
Going to go out with the Guitar Exco tomorrow after their paper ends. No idea what they want to do, but I think it's safe to expect it to be entertaining =P It'll be our first comm outing ever...and unfortunately, with things going as they are, perhaps our last. And then tmr evening is War of the Worlds with the 4N people. So tomorrow will largely be given over to going out with old friends. Heh, it feels so desperate suddenly, as we grapple with time and grab whatever we can to go out together. Studies are encroaching everywhere...and it will test all these relationships, and see which ones will pull through. There are some who have already stood the test of time, and as for the others, I have no idea how they would turn out. I don't expect much. But I look forward, as always, to being surprised =)
* * * * *
Reading my cousin's blog, and it's a real relief sometimes to read stuff written not in perfect English. Heh...leetspeak has a certain sincerity and authentic flavour that our blogs don't, a voice that is distinctly young and colloquial. And I realise I am frequently surprised at how much of what she writes actually echoes the philosophical discussions that Hardy makes. Just goes to show that Hardy really was right in his assertion of the universality of the human problem. But it also bolsters my faith in the simple people. Makes all our academic pomp look so superficial. A sense of perspective is an important thing; we must always remember that at a fundamental level, we're not so much different from the man in the street. If anything, we're an aberration, not superior, just different.
Her blog has a certain earnestness about it...her writing strips down problems to their very core. No mincing of words, like what we tend to do, like what I'm doing now. And though they are romantically inclined, her writings are not so much sappy as they are wistful. Quite interesting...we, who study the craft of crafting language, cannot express a thing like the intricacies of love as well as a teen using leetspeak. It its strange construction and spelling, her language is actually clearer in transmitting some meanings than our discussions.
I guess it is the frankness of the writing that really strikes me. Powerful stuff in its simplicity, meanings are punched home. And I guess that has to be done unconsciously, inadvertently. An over-awareness of the nuances of language can paralyse any attempt to craft it, as we feel compelled to put in caveats everywhere about the exact sense of the words that we're using. It's interesting how the normal mode of speech, in which words are much less carefully chosen, still manages to communicate better. I guess partly it's because we share a common cultural context, so the sense of the words used can be appreciated m0re accurately. But I do believe that the frankness of the expression, born out of instinct and carelessness, does have something included unconsciously in it that makes its meaning more exact, more clear. Is it the spirit behind the utterances? A simple sort of telepathy? I'm not sure myself, but whatever it is, the intriguing thing is that it works so well.
Beginning of...Something
Of course I should be studying Econs right now. But in a rather strange twist of events, I studied more lit today than econs. Heh, don't know how much of it'll come in useful on Wed, really. Ah well, shall not be fatalistic before the fact itself. Today's papers were all right I guess. Lit PC was strange. There was an extract from King Lear, which when I saw I immediately had a premonition of Kels excelling at it. And then I read the first page of it and gave up, on the premise that it'd have taken too long to work out the meaning. Then did the poetry comparison, which, in hindsight, may have been a bad idea, because if I'm not mistaken, they were two feminist poems, which didn't lend itself at all to my viewpoint unfortunately.
Ah well. The highlight is of course that today is the first day back in school after a really cool June Hols. Don't think I've had so much fun in a mid-year hols before. I realise that I really do enjoy having ultimate control over my time distribution. Anyway, back to school today, and was in quite a trance, really. Partly because I couldn't sleep last night cos of all the late nights in the hols, but mostly I think due to the fact that I'd not yet renormalised my perception of everyone yet. Like Kats and John and Claud, I still see them in the context of Bangkok. And Soph in the context of the rather strange all-female UNIFEM thing that I found myself in last night. That...I shall leave that, and all the girl-power stuff, for a more diplomatic moment.
Anyway yeah. Doesn't feel like school has really started. Or rather, school has undoubtedly restarted, but all my perceptions of others are still out of kilter. But like I said, over the hols so many perceptions have changed, and new things have happened, that I don't know how far some of the relationships can even be renormalised. It is a sort of social dislocation I guess. Trying to fit the extraordinary sides of people that I'd seen over this hols into the framework of everyday life. Heh, maybe it's really fundamentally just a case of my perspective of some (a lot of) people shifting irrevocably.
But we shall see how that goes. This is the first day of the last semester of Singapore schooling. I should train myself to cherish every last second of it.
Lasting Friendships
Good Lord I needed that. It was excellent to go out with Joel and Conan again. Ostensibly it was to study, but in the end we took a heck of a lot of breaks just to do some catching up, and it's really cool how though we've got all these new and different experiences between us, we can still pick up where we left off. Alongside the new stuff we were talking about our old antics during CAP last year, and even before that when we were still in the same class. Somehow or other these friendships have found a way to divorce their existence from the existence of the circumstances that had given rise to them.
I shall not analyse it too much. Enough for me that it all seems so solid and so right. Digging deeper might reduce the magic and the substantiality, and even the credibility. Right now I will not question how deeply our friendships go, and I will only say that it is convincing enough for me. No point philosophising about it when the situation's right in front of you. And anyway, nowadays, I've learned to grab on to any constancy you can find.
It's interesting to see how our experiences are still intersecting, too. Joel was talking about his trip to Mongolia, which sounds a lot like Bangkok, except with more guys and juniors. The brand of camaraderie you get under those circumstances is very different from what is available when girls are around, but beyond that, there was also that excitement at exploring an unknown place with only a group of friends and no further supervision. It's surprising for me to discover how many common points we still share, in this and the other bits that we raised. Indeed, he puts some of my notions in better terms, I think.
Once again, my admiration and, well, sheer respect for them is reawakened. Down-to-earth people, not simple by a long shot but frank. People like these, friendships like these, you don't come across everyday. Heck, I can't really express it well, do it enough justice. Maybe it's just as well. It's a sort of feeling of security and general goodwill and trust that I feel is unique only to relationships among boys. Despite allegations of gender equality and all that claptrap, there are certain things that just cannot be directly translated when it comes to girls. And after today, I think it's a good thing. Some things should remain uniquely male.
But yeah...it was a rare pleasure to get together with these old friends again. Looking forward to more such studying sessions in the weeks ahead =P I have a feeling that I'll be needing them to counterbalance the stresses of school. Hmph...and I do hope that our friendships will perpetuate. It will be cool to find ourselves in the same platoon next year, or even the same country for unis.
Those old friendships will remain special. 4N was something that will not happen again, I am convinced now. 1A is nice and familiar, but I expect it will not come up to par with the 4N experience. If I were to look for lasting friends, my old class is where I would look first. As for 1A, I hope there will be long term friendships, but I expect they will not be of the same sort. Though, as I was two years ago, I am still open to being surprised...
* * * * *
In other news, got the photos in from development from the Bangkok Trip. They turned out much better than I expected, considering I was using film =P The scenery shots are really not bad. Somehow the film held out. Naturally I'll put some of them online, but right now, I just want to enjoy this nice little surprise, this culmination to a very good day.
Reconnaissance
Heh I don't like making impulse buys. Because invariably, when I look back on them, I ask myself why the heck I bought it in the first place. And it's a bad habit of mine to never consider opportunity costs when faced with an impulse buy. Bought two bottles of some non-alcoholic perfume and 4 leather keypouches for almost $40 today, and have been punching myself all the way home, until I checked the classlist and found that there were in fact people's birthdays coming up =P But I shall never do that again. I swear. It just gives me negative utility.
Anyhoos...finally caught H2G2 yesterday. Heh, it was in Cinema 6 of Cine, which is really posh, and somewhere where I'd never watched a show before. Anyway, H2G2 was better than I expected, actually. They did cut up the book quite badly, but since I read the series like in primary school, I couldn't remember enough of it to say how much was really missing. All the bits I remembered were in the movie...heh, like the ship being transformed into a ball of wool and Dent having a Technicolour Yarn, and the two nuclear missiles being turned into the whale and the pot of petunias. That was exactly as I imagined it =D
But I have to say I didn't imagine the Heart of Gold as a big ball. I remember being extremely tortured over what it really looked like...the book said it was a big shoe. Which, now that I look back, may just be a metamorphosis of the real ship, but it was mind-boggling back then. It offended my tastes to have a giant sneaker as a spaceship =P Anyway, I didn't look at things that way when I first read it. It was much less linear as a book I think. And I didn't know that they actually rebuilt Earth...must have not been paying enough attention. But overall, quite a cool movie, really. Not too bad for a book adaptation.
Saw the trailer for the Chronicles of Narnia. Mmm, that's something to look forward to definitely =)
* * * * *
Was catching up with old friends the other day. We were discussing how unfortunate it was that love and friendship don't go well together. If love enters the equation in any way, then it complicates matters terribly. And it really is a waste, because are the two really that radically different? At any rate, things are changing, and it's a prospect that I have to consider, finding new soulmates to replace the ones that are no longer as accessible. I would really much rather not. On my part, a part of me wants things to remain like this indefinitely, even if it is ultimately one-sided. The other part of me kicks the former and points out that it's really unhealthy to obssess over anything, even good things. But the bottom line is clear; I do not want to lose any friendship at all, though things may change.
Anyway, was enjoying the moment while it lasted. Chats like the one we had, on a quiet bench in a closing shopping centre, are not exactly rare anymore...I realise that lots of people I know really want to have that kind of heart-to-heart, and it's always a pleasure to oblige them. But there are only so few people with whom the feeling of absolute trust is mutual. It is a special feeling, to know someone well enough to know that you can talk about absolutely anything (except, of course, where other people's privacy applies) frankly and without worrying about offence.
That is a real gift, absolute trust and frankness.
Will catch up with Joel again tomorrow, over studying. Shall consult the guru on all things economic =P But it will of course be a pleasure to see the bloke again. He was saying that we should get together again in the UK. Heh, it sure will be something to see him around on the grounds of Cambridge. And just for that, I think, it may just be worth it to try for the stars.
* * * * *
What a Bohemian notion...sitting in Raffles City's Coffee Club with a plate of fruits and a chocolate fondue and spending the afternoon reading books of poetry stacked around us. Hehheh if only we didn't need to prepare for Lit S, then that afternoon of poetry (music provided by the auto-pianos upstairs) would have been exceedingly soothing. As it was I wanted much more to listen to your stories than to do studying. Oh well, if we must study, it may as well be for Lit S.
Bought Sharon Olds's The Living and the Dead, finally, from Kino yesterday. At first glance I thought it wasn't as good as The Wellspring, which they were fully out of stock of. But then after reading through the book today I find that my first impressions were too hasty. Heh, maybe because I was reading the poems about the dead. But her work is very approachable, basically situational sketches. There are plots for most of the poems. The imagery is frank, simple, and therefore striking. The difficulty is in finding complements because she writes mostly on family; her own strained family, and the idealised one she started herself.
Heh, had fun reading Larkin though. Vers de Societé was hilarious, and I agree that Aubade is a good poem about death. Hai...if only we were doing this for fun. But like I said, if it must be anything, it may as well be something we like doing. And I guess it does provide that added incentive. In a way, without the strictures of school lit, maybe I'd never have developed a taste for the deeper aspects of the art of language...
Major Update
Phew it has been a long time. Mostly up to updating my webbie, which has ballooned all out of proportion into a massive task. I gave myself the whole day yesterday to do it. I still needed this afternoon to finish =S But anyway, now it's all done! Even managed to get rid of that pesky ad that Ian noticed...it's scandalous, hostdepartment guarantees no forced ads, and then they put this google thing on all my pages. I guess that doesn't technically count as a banner ad, but still...
Yes! Website undergone massive updating! New poems up at paleblack, and two new sections up in Lumiere (points below). Taiwan and kelong photos up. And that took quite a lot of doing to set straight. But now that it's done, I'm rather happy with it =) Still got RJGE photos and Thailand ones to put up (haven't even had time to look at Thailand photos), but those will have to wait till another time.
Hmm...looking through the old photos does bring back the old aches for the times past, but not as bad as in sec 4. Back then I was practically obsessed with Frexprog pictures. And that was in the era before digicams, so you can imagine how expensive it was to develop every single photo, and to scan them in and post them up took ages. But that was back when I was young and innocent (more so than now, anyway). Since then it's been shown that what is important aren't the photos but the people that are in it. The times may be gone, but the people are still here. It was hard to leave the Taiwanese six months ago, and it's still tough to keep in contact, but there's some solace to be gained from knowing that they're at least still in this world.
Anyway...watched Batman with YS on Thursday. A surprisingly deep action movie, I must say. There was a part when Bruce's mentor was telling him that if you believe in an ideal and devote your life to it, you become superhuman. That is certainly true, but when he said it, I was thinking of Hitler and Downfall. The movie treated fear and death as more than plot devices, which was unexpected...expecting to be merely entertained, I came away with more to think about than I had anticipated. And the movie did keep to the Batman plotline quite closely. Looking at Star Wars, you wouldn't be able to tell that the first three and last three movies were part of the same plot. It's all in the details...and while Batman Begins featured a much cooler car than any of the other Batman movies, it was in the little touches that are the seeds of future plots that make the story convincing. Like in the movie, they showed the origins of Khan, and the Scarecrow, and all the other supervillians who broke out of Arkham Asylum and were never found again...
Friday was spent studying with Grace again. Hmm...can feel myself burning out, too much work at once. Ironically maths has become a refuge, now that I'm over the hard trigo bits and into the easy vectors part. and Gut Symmetries is really becoming weird now. Perhaps it is becoming self-indulgent. There are lots of cool images, but the meaning and purpose behind them are not immediately apparent. Most of the time I find myself force-fitting these new elements into old patterns that I'd already identified, which feels inherently wrong. So, to prevent myself from overlooking something important, I'd stopped looking at that book for now.
Anyway...studying with Grace. Were doing econs MCQs from VJ's online database, and those are really tough questions. Well, some were undoable because they were not internally consistent, but others require the use of obscure methodology, the kind of thing that you encounter when doing trigo proofs. Heh well the highlights were looking at The Love Song of J Alfred Profrock, and Grace looking for songs that would fit my tastes, and all the guys (my bros, my dad and me) around Grace watching this hilarious American comedian (I can't remember the name, but Mark let us listen to him on the kelong) =P Heh, I don't know why it's like this, but she seems to be a catalyst for my family to come together. Maybe it's just a magnetic personality at work, but we talk more when she's around. It's such a big change that it catches me off guard when it happens.
Perhaps it's the perceived need to look like a close family in front of other people. In normal times, I think we're really close already. We're all very independent, but it's clear that we haev strong unquestionable links. But whenever my friends come over, my family suddenly shows all the outward signs of a closely knit community. Heh, and when Grace is here my dad becomes much more talkative suddenly. Oh well, it's not something to complain about. Its novelty is what makes it remarkable, but I can see how I can get use to this state of affairs. It's nice this way...sometimes the symbols too have an effect independent of what they're meant to symbolise. As long as we don't become reliant on them to show that we're close. As long as these symbols remain a...how to say it...a set of frills, and not a necessity.
Picked up the guitar again a few days ago, after a really long hiatus. What with studying and Thailand and movies, I've not had time to play at all. It feels good to make music again. And just discovered that Jewel's Foolish Games is a really nice song, nicer than You Were Meant for Me. Started learning it...but it's a fast piano song, and on a guitar it needs quite a bit of acrobatics. Will take some time, I expect, to master it. But where's the fun without the challenge eh? =P As Winterson says, the difficulty and the dream are not separate.
Bah...I think I shall write something more insightful some other day. Too tired after getting the webbie up to date. Hope everyone's still having fun this hols, wherever you guys are =)
Downfall
Thanks to Oh-san for the translation! Heh I tried Babel Fish, FreeTranslation, QuickLatin etc, and they all refused to translate it into English, just kept returning the Latin phrase. Though now I'm still bemused by it. In the context it doesn't make much sense to me even when translated. But ah well, Winterson's character wrote that it didn't mean much to her till much later either, so maybe I'll just sit tight on it first.
And thanks muchly to Ian for that fascinating article! =) Shall have a closer look later, when I'm not burning the midnight oil. As for Briony, I don't like her either...she starts off seeming self-indulgent and arrogant, and finishes off rather lamely with her hopeless petition for forgiveness. But Briony is hardly the point of the book I think. It's the fascinating way that McEwan constructed the character Briony, and then used Briony to construct an autobiography, which is revealed to be fake only at the end of the book. Raises lots of questions about reality that are conveniently also talked about in Gut Symmetries. If we can pretend convincingly enough, there's no telling what's real and what's not.
Gut Symmetries is losing me, I'm afraid. All these connotations and references to other languages, and the whole Jewish motif, are rather confusing. I have a feeling that there's more meaning than I'm seeing, and that the meaning I see right now is restricted by who I am. But self-reflexively, the book addresses that too...the subjectivity of meaning. So I'm thinking that in a warped and roundabout way, the book is confusing just to make that point about meaning, about how we are predisposed to find some kind of meaning in everything, regardless of whether that meaning is really there at all. Normally I'd think that's a decadent and fluffy philosophical cop-out, but the book lends itself so symmetrically to that interpretation that it can't be thrown out entirely.
* * * * *
Watched Downfall today, a film about the last days of the Third Reich, set in Hitler's bunker system. A haunting show, worth watching, but not if you want to stay happy for the rest of the day. It's disturbing, really, to see the normal life of a madman, because between sessions of mindless and fanatical rage, Hitler's portrayed rather sympathetically (not in the sense that he is a good man, but in the sense that you can understand why he does the things that he does). In fact, he's rather nice to his secretary and the other women in the bunker. Call it traditional chivalry, if you will. But the scary thing about the madman was that he had moments which were distinctly not mad. At times he's just an old worn-out man trying his best to deal with a whole civilisation falling to bits around him. Trying his best to deal with the people around him leaving him and betraying him. And you can see why he is so despairing, so furious. To some extent he is compelled to be a madman, crowded into a corner without any other way out.
The most disturbing bits have to do with the fanaticism of the people around him. The way Ernst Rohm goes home to his family for dinner after being denied authorisation to escape, and pulls the pins of two grenades under the table. Frau Goebbels's determination that her children must not be allowed to live in a world without National Socialism, and then drugging them to sleep and poisoning them to death in the middle of the night. Eva Braun's delusional dedication to Hitler, all the way to death. It's the killing of the children, all in the name of protecting them from a world without Nazism, that depth of conviction in an idea that outweight sheer familial love, that is so deeply disturbing.
And then there are the suicides. Hitler and Eva discussing the best ways to die, like Cleopatra in the last moments of A&C. The Hitler Youth shooting themselves rather than surrendering. Two generals blowing their brains out after Hitler's suicide. Goebbels shooting his wife and then himself in the ruins of the Chancellory's gardens. An injured officer blandly pulling out a gun and shoving it up his mouth, and the next thing you realise he's slumped over and there's a blood splatter on the wall. Not even enough time to flinch. When the SS officers shot themselves in the head, I positively flinched, averted my eyes. Every gunshot ringing out claimed a life, claimed the lives of people who believed so much in an idea that they couldn't live without it. To watch someone die for an idea is not a pretty thing, even if it is make-believe. Even if you know that dramatic irony is what's making it so horrific, the knowledge of someone calmly accepting and executing certain death. It's moments like these that make you cherish skepticism, and hope that people won't believe so deeply in anything ever again.
And the concept of the bunker itself...a closed-off reality hidden underground, the last stronghold of Nazism, the festering ground of the idea that, because it had lost its primacy above ground, warped the minds of everyone hidden underneath. It is unreal, to see them sitting down to meals with full set-up of utensils and wine and et cetera, just underneath the ruins of the capital of Germany, where civilians and soldiers are dying and not dying but suffering. To hear Hitler toy with death, determined to kill off the German people who had failed his ultimate test, and considering the best ways to kill himself, while everyone above ground was desperate not to die. To see the officers drunk and decadent in safety, while their subordinates struggled to carry out their impossible orders. Trudl the secretary eventually realises this surreality; she calls it a dream from which you want to wake up but can't. Perhaps, then, everyone in that bunker was a bit mad, detached from the real reality by an illusion so complete and all-encompassing that they could believe what they liked, that final victory was still possible, that their Fuhrer was still capable of leading. And for many of them, to leave the bunker was tantamount to death. To enter a world without Nazis was to enter a nightmare. It's all in the perspective, isn't it; what you regard as madness, other people have learned to accept as reality.
Quite a haunting movie, really, unabashed in its portrayal of brutality and insanity. And significantly made by a German. After you watch it, you're just stunned; as Kels said it is a tiring film to watch, almost cathartic, except that the horror stays with you after you leave the theatre. It's something that everyone should go through once, and once only, I think.
Do you think, though, that that reality is gone? That the WWII experience will haunt us forever? I'm not sure whether we can keep the memory of the horror alive much longer...in a few more years everyone from that generation that suffered so much will be dead. And what then? Does that mean that we're once again adrift on the seas of incomprehension? In our complacency that nothing like that will happen again, will we unconsciously take the same path again down to that kind of fanatical conviction, a lucidity and logic so tightly focused and clear that it drives people mad?
Words
"Walk with me. hand in hand through the nightmare of narrative, the neat sentences secret-nailed over meaning. Meaning mewed up like an anchorite, its vision in broken pieces behind the wall. And if we pull away the panelling, then what? Without the surface, what hope of contact, of conversation? How will I come to read the rawness inside?"
The secret of languages today. Reading Winterson's Gut Symmetries, and it's ingenious how she manipulates language...the first forty or so pages are veritable poetry, with poor old me having to stop every other line to make some remark or other. I'm running out of page space. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really getting the point, or if I'm just being self-indulgent in writing so much, and in reality most of it is crap. But what I see in the book fits into such a pretty pattern, and Winterson seems to agree with what I think she's saying, so even if what I think is wrong, it's convincing enough for me to think that I'm right. And at the end of the day, if the illusion is convincing enough, maybe we should be happy with it. For all practical purposes. Why go digging into philosophical black holes?
Anyway...languages. Communication. The meaning hidden behind the Word. The power of the word as a form of telepathy between two distinct minds. The transmission of meaning. But words are inexact tools of communication, and perception and interpretation are always coloured, warped by our own viewpoints. There are only relative measurements: inexactitude is built in to the quantum universe, as Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle points out rather smugly. So we are unsure of what we think, or what we feel. And we use words with imperfect and inexact meanings and definitions to express our ideas. And our audience interprets them with a flawed viewpoint, and his own idea of what the words mean. With so much inaccuracy and uncertainty, it is quite wonderful that we manage to transmit any meaning at all.
It's the isolation of the personal experience - we are unable to use these words to express meaning accurately, and we can only trust that the other person is understanding us adequately enough. Language itself does not permit the grounds to build a genuine sort of sympathy, and yet, these words, these symbols, are all we have to reach across the gulf of incomprehensibility between two consciousnesses. It is something we take on faith, I guess...we trust that the word actually means something, though there isn't anything inherent to it that compels it to mean something. And we trust that other people understand us when we talk. Otherwise surely we wouldn't bother talking so much. When the world refuses to provide the certainty we require, our imaginations, and our faith, blind or othewise, come in to pick up the slack.
And other languages, shades of meaning hidden in unknown words, unknown sounds. On BBC yesterday a minister complained that a mistranslation of a colloquial term from French to English had made him seem vulgar. If we can't even grasp all the infinities wound up in our own language, how can we begin to appreciate the velvety feel of someone else's terms of understanding? Maybe mathematics, then, is the only truly universal language, with its own internal logic that spins outward by itself, tantalising us to seek more and more meaning. In some senses numbers have a meaning independent of themselves - if we changed the symbols, the logic would still remain unchanged. The eternal spirit behind the evolving form.
But if we changed the alphabet, if we changed the sound, would meaning remain unchanged in our language? "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." Really? Is nothing then derived from the curling of the tongue, the reverberation of air in that shperical cavity at the roof of the mouth? I think it wouldn't be the same, close, but no cigar. Maybe it's just the way we've grown to think about things, such that the meanings are inherent to the words. Without the word there is no meaning. Without the meaning, who needs words?
Words, so simple, and yet so powerful. Words, the ultimate metaphor, the most widespread images of the modern world. English isn't pictographic like Chinese, but the same shapes are taken by faith to represent the same things. And taken in combination, all the meanings tweak one another, complement and contradict, until a blend is obtained that adequately reflects what we mean. And then, the image and faith are used to establish a commonality of understanding, the beginning of companionship, the seed of sympathy. Maybe whoever invented the Word was lonely, all those ideas trapped inside him. The Word made Flesh. He's supposed to be a saviour too. Then the words came to cast these images and meanings out of one consciousness across space, and even time. You know how it's like, to feel like you understand someone that's long dead.
All these words. We have to take it on faith, I guess. There really is no other convincing way. The link we establish between me and you is fragile enough already. And though we know that reality is not nearly as stable, we can pretend, and we need to pretend, for all practical purposes. If I can pretend that I understand you, and you can play along, and it all looks convincing, then maybe it's enough. What's the use of digging deeper into the watery mud, to set off the landslide? We already know that nothing can be stable. The thing is to try to live with it, to try to love with it, and if anyone knows a better way than pretending, care to extend a hand out to the rest of us? We'll try to understand.
"Aliquem Alium Internum"...what does this mean? Does anyone have any idea?
Other Things
There was the nicest Guitar farewell ever on Thursday. Heh, being treated like VIPs, having a really cool slide show with all sorts of nice photos, and a song that was specially prepared for us by the J1s. All, of course, part of a gesture of goodwill towards departing seniors, nothing more, but I really don't think it does them justice to talk about notions of superficiality here. Like Briony writes in Atonement, "The attempt was all", and in trying, it was enough.
So there it is then, the end to our official tenure in Guitar. It's hard to give up such a warm and frank group of people. But then again maybe I'm being melodramatic...after all, we're not totally cut off from the RJGE people, and all that is asked of us is for us to graciously step aside and trust the juniors with the running of the Ensemble. Which, I'm sure, they will do a fine job with. Heaven knows that they're a lot more capable than us. I shall look forward eagerly to see what they do with their one year of time.
Once again I feel really lucky to have known them. Just like the people from CHS EDrama. And I daresay that RJGE has displaced EDrama as my favourite CCA. Rather unexpectedly, to be sure...I never thought I would even be in a musical CCA. But it grew on me, I guess...it grew on all of us, and it offers things that are new, different, but equally enriching as what I got from EDrama. I guess its main appeal over EDrama is its proximity; we haven't finished resigning from RJGE yet.
Anyway, after the rather touching ceremony (it was nothing fancy; it ran on sincerity, which was precisely why it was so memorable) we went to Elaine's amazing bungalow to chill for a bit and wait for the afternoon to pass away. Was playing delightfully inane games like the animal game, the cross-hands-and-test-hand-eye-coordination thing, and, of course, Truth or Dare. Heh, I gotta admit that Truth or Dare with the RJGE people is the best ToD that I've ever come across. It's because the people are bold enough (and trust each other enough) to do interesting things and ask awkward questions. It's not that they're vindictive, or that they don't give a hoot about respect. I think it's because everyone doesn't mind, they know it's all for fun. And they trust each other. Throughout the whole session, there was totally no hint of malice. And anyway, everyone knows how seriously you can take the truths uncovered in ToD =P
Watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith too. Really tiring movie, good for destressing after a long period of studying. Was actually intending to go home and continue Atonement documentation, but as it turned 0ut, made the right decision to stay with the Guitar people to watch the movie. Ah...mindless destruction, and a hint of sex. Just the remedy for endless studying. Try it; go into the theatre and imagine that all the black-suited pursuers are your tormentors, Mr. Econs, Mr. History, Mr. Lit, Little Miss Math, in no particular order =P Funny how they shoot at each other, then they team up in the name of love and shoot at everyone else. Maybe it's supposed to be an analogy for domestic conflict =P
Yesterday, went to watch Lovepuke with some of the Humans people. Not a very good play, I'm afraid. It was just a frenzy of sex and sexual innuendo. The set design was interesting, an array of toilet bowls. I thought that them flashing "supported by Sim Siang Choon" on the screen before the play started was quite a clever touch =P But it was a minimalist piece...no props, just placards as stand-ins for the objects they use. Now, I try to be open-minded with these modern takes, but it seems like replacing the real objects with placards didn't serve any artistic purpose at all. It just seemed cheap. It was funny, to be sure, but not much of a point.
The really disturbing thing was that the plot was uninspiring. Heh, after the play, it was very hard to discuss the play with the others, because it didn't really say anything new. And it is quite disturbing, because you'd expect adults to know more about love and sex and that kind of stuff. From the stageplay, you would have thought that they were in the same boat as us inexperienced bunglers. And maybe they are. But at least they should make a pretense towards greater wisdom. Just to keep our world in our comfortable and familiar perspective.
All in all, rather mindless sex and conventional love patter. My gosh, I think we could have wrote the script ourselves if we put our minds to it. But it does raise the question - what if no one really knows what love is? I'm of the view that love is one of the things that everyone understands but no one can adequately express, explain or communicate. When you say "love", you have an idea in your mind. But it's hard to express that idea. But then again, maybe the difficulty in expression is not borne out of linguistic inadequacy, but a real lack of comprehension. And that raises the disturbing point that we may never grow out of this bungling phase.
Which to me is quite distressing. That means that we'll continue to hurt other people when we try to love. And we'll never know what love really is; maybe it's a concept that is constructed negatively; our concept of love is based on what we know is "not love".
But that is clearly false. Even if true knowledge is impossible, people clearly learn more about love and love in relation to other people over time. We spend so much time unraveling the complexities of relationships, clearly it has to be taking us somewhere. And some people truly become wise because of love. Maybe I'm clutching at straws here; I realise I am sounding rather childish. But even though I've not much faith in young love, I still think that at some point we must know what love is, or at least we must settle for an adequate substitute. And in the meantime, we just have to keep trying. But we can't keep bungling without a point. The attempt may be all, but there must be a higher objective somewhere.
* * * * *
Hmm, I realise that it's easier to talk about love with people who are already attached. Maybe it's because of their greater experience. But I think it's because I feel safer talking to them about these issues. At least they won't get the wrong message about my intentions.
* * * * *
Finished documentation for Atonement, and feeling rather good about that. It's a good book, and now that I've slogged through the whole lot, I feel much happier. Shows that such intense analysis can be done, which opens up new options for me. Anyway, next week will begin Hist work, and hopefully squeeze in some math. And I've started on Gut Symmetries. What a wonderful piece of work. It's a shorter book, but I can see myself getting bogged down in it, the language is just so rich.
More Studying
Watching Marcus play this really cool flash game that pits UK MPs against one another in a Street-Fighter punchup for ultimate supremacy as the Prime Minister, and it's really hilarious. For some strange reason Blair can beat everyone except Kennedy, the super-boss in Westminster =P Methinks that if there was a version with Singapore politicians, local politics may become more interesting. And what spectacular bloodbaths there would be...the stains wouldn't be able to be washed out from those white uniforms =P
Anyway, am behind schedule for my work. Finished documentation for Native, but I was supposed to start on Frost today. Oh well, at any rate, perhaps I need a new strategy in approaching Frost. It doesn't seem to make sense to make a Quote Thematiser for poems, and yet, I see myself needing that kind of structure for Frost essays. Hmm...maybe for this test I'll just memorise some of the poems that I chose. Heck, what with the stuff that's waiting to be memorised for Native, it's already enough of a workload.
Tomorrow going down to school for farewell for Guitar, and then on Sat there's a play at the Esplanade. That's a total of about 12 hours gone from studying. I feel like I should care more about the loss of time. Probably I will...next week, when the point will be moot. Oh well, it'll be good to get out of the house again, at any rate. Being immersed in lit all day is exhilarating in its own way, but everything should come in moderation.
It feels unnatural to sleep at night these days still. Singapore life is wholly unexciting, and to a larege extent all these little things, and the lit documentation, is keeping me alive. And all this is only a little taste of what's to come, with the Prelims and the final hurdle. I wonder how I will stand it. If I were doing this in Bangkok, studying, making notes and everything, I reckon that I would be happier. I want night expeditions! Subdued tones on the subways! Gay bars! But we make do I guess. We can pretend...
Dad bought an electric today. So now everyone in my family can not only have his own computer, but also his own guitar. Heh, I feel intimidated...my poor old classical against the combined might of the acoustic and electric. I'd like to learn how to really play the other types of guitar, but the timing couldn't be worse. Already it's difficult enough to keep in touch with my good old classical. Ah well, all this will have to be a project for after A's I guess. And maybe I should be more eager about the electric. But right now I think I see it as another pressure, something else to learn, rather than something cool to be mastered. And in the present studying mood, having more things to learn isn't good for the ego...
Work and Play
The Keys to Your Heart |
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. |
| In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. |
| You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. |
| You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. |
| Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. |
| Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. |
| You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. |
| In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
What Are The Keys To Your Heart?
Okay, I shall indulge myself for once...heh I find this quite hilarious. How the heck did they infer all this from my preferences for animals? =P I shall not reveal how accurate this is. Just find it quite funny. Except for the rather unfortunate shades of pink that the results originally came in, but that was easily fixed...
Anyhoos, been doing nonstop work for the last few days...doing up a Super Duper Quote Thematiser for good old Native. It's a brilliant piece of work, and as I trawl through it, I realise that perhaps there has been a fundamental difference between how I've seen it and how Purvis has explained it. Maybe it's a mistake to see the heath and Fate as one and the same...from what I see, the heath and Fate are separate, and they only happen to be passively allied with each other in tormenting the characters. In that sense, the heath is indifferent to human suffering, but Fate is actively malevolent. So perhaps we were both right. Just a matter of perspective.
And also doing concurrently the documentation work for Atonement. The more I do it the more impressed I am. McEwan isn't a Hardy, to be sure, but he does have much detail in his work nonetheless. Atonement, it turns out, has much to say on family dynamics, the process of growing up, perception (the play of light in the novel is ingenious), and most impressively, wordplay and writing itself. The whole novel, I think, is meant to be a case study in the craft of the author. Briony's imaginative wordplay (investigating the innocent connotations of a bad word, for example) is the most obvious manifestation of this. Emily's meditative stream-of-consciousness is intriguing to read. And Cee's dressing up scene is an analogy for the composition of a poem, I swear. Quite exciting, and ingenious. And it's a real pleasure to do the book...the only trouble is that it's so good that I'm taking too long with it.
Grace came over today to study...was going through all my New Imperialism stuff, and quite impressively, she managed to read through the whole section's notes in one afternoon, while I was busy being delighted by McEwan. Heh, during dinner my parents asked the usual questions about school and courses and lessons, and then unexpectedly, Dad launched into this whole career planning spiel. I think Grace was quite surprised. I was stunned...they didn't give any of my visitors career advice before. Heck, the didn't give me career advice before, or at least, not so blatantly =P But I find that it's quite cool actually, their outlook on the future. What Dad says does make sense...it's not enough to rely on knowledge nowadays, even in the vaunted KBE. What you need is to work on a talent. And I realised, as we were around the dinner table chatting about uni courses, that I am rather proud of my parents. I reckon such progressive folks aren't found in every family =P
Sent off the Finland Chorale people yesterday, and it was with much envy that I waved them off. Well, it was a good excuse to change scenery, and to break from studying, at any rate...was reading Atonement at the airport waiting for them to arrive. Lounging in the darkened viewing mall, listening to them talk of the scandals in Punch and Chorale J1s, and then downstairs when the whole group was getting ready to walk through those doors with the cheerily coloured Goodbyes in multiple languages, I envied them. They have ten days to live a new adventure, and in a country which experiences only 3h of darkness now. That must be quite cool =P These people are really lucky, to go that far away, with friends that have gone through the thick and thin of this year. One hopes that they'll have the chance to sneak out at night and frolick on the town, like the Bangkok people. If they don't manage to have at least as much fun, it would be such a waste.
I wonder if platonic relations are necessarily written off by romantic ones when on this kind of field trip. But it is important to remember that that isn't the case. Just don't be too eager to jump to conclusions, especially when not all the facts are available.
They should have arrived about 12h ago. I hear that Finland's good for blueberries and reindeer meat now. Pity that they're still on their Choir Diet =S I hope they'll enjoy themselves.
Montages
The first full day back without seeing any of the Thailand Trip people, and it really feels odd. Not to have to rush off in the bus and doze in the daylight cos the night was spent out exploring the town. Not to have to put up with the 2 UNAS leaders' bungling good intentions. Not have to see everyone and joke with them and play limitless and seriously imbalanced Bridge games. Not to have an unfamiliar landscape to look out over. Not to have the lethal and spicy roadside cocktail of fumes to inhale. Not to have a memorable sunrise or sunset. Watched the sun set over the rooftops of Simei today, and realised that the colours are really not that bad in Singapore, it's just that the skyline doesn't lend itself to spectacular views at all. And that's something that I will miss more and more every time I see a sunrise on a mountainside.
Spent the day not doing work...thinking about how to go about tackling the huge mountain of studying, and came up with a master plan. But for the time being, today was for taking stock and recovering, mostly. Spent the day making three collages...two small ones with samples of handwriting that I'd always wanted to do ever since Sec 3, and one with stuff from Taiwan which I'm quite proud of. Now the France montage has someone to share the wall with. And another two exhibition pieces involving the Bangkok map, but I ran out of blu tack, so I couldn't mount them =P
I realised, yesterday when doing the psychowhatsit thingy for the PSC, that I'm really quite comfortable with my life now. Heh, I reckon my answers may seem contradictory to the psychologists...a person who likes big groups but is shy around big groups =P But in my own little way, I've managed to find some kind of equilibrium between all the different aspects and contradictions that I see as my life. I think Bangkok really was what the doctor ordered...to put some meaning back into the grind, to give me something to look forward to, and now something to look back at. The aspects of people that were revealed on that trip reinforces my faith that not all people are malevolent at root, and indeed that most people really just want to be nice and to receive others' niceness. Makes me feel all secure again, as if I'm back in my proper place in the greater scheme of things.
At any rate, got movies to go watch...Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is out in Singapore! And War of the Worlds will open on the day when the Humans pple finish their common tests. So there're two little things to look forward to at least. But I reckon that only something as big as going abroad will be enough to stave off the depressions of preparing for the ceaseless exams coming up next semester. But I guess we'll just have to make do...
And just realised that I haven't gone on a family vacation since sec 4. That was to Sunway Lagoon. And then after that, I've only ever gone overseas on school things...Texprog, then the Kelong Trip, and then Bangkok. I've quite forgotten how it is like to be overseas with family members. And Marcus and Mum and Grandma are in Malaysia this weekend, and I'm not even sure where or for how long. Maybe it's time we all went together somewhere...
Thailand
It's been more than 24 hours since we touched down back in little old Singapore. Been quite some time away without any access to a computer at all, and I must say that it's been quite refreshing. Feels a bit odd now reaching for a keyboard. Anyway, my sketchbook's been filled with records from Thailand, and rather conveniently, that one book now contains everything that happened from Taiwan to Thailand. Heh, I may consider switching entirely from blogging to just writing.
The trip was wonderful...a most intriguing society, from Bangkok to Baan, filled with the nicest people in Asia. They really do live up to their reputation. Everywhere we went we met eager Thais happy to help us. And also an interesting programme, marginally involving UN leadership, but much more insightful on the UN fieldwork and what their people do on the ground. And to be sure, a great group of people who went along. Claud, Kats, KHwee, Vaish, Oh-San, YS, Yvonne and everyone else, who made the long bus rides entertaining, who shared in our secret night outings, and generally shared all those special moments with me. Vaish said that the Bangkok trip had the potential to be more enriching than UK. With the people we had on the trip, it certainly was memorable.
Special moments...all our night expeditions, sneaking out of the hotel to experience Bangkok nightlife, especially on Monday with YS, Kats, Oh-San and Vaish; being picked up by gays in Silom; searching for and finding the entrance to the subway, that first night; tuktuk rides, the infallible cure for drowsiness; the meal at the village of Baan; drinking at the hotel bar; the jog and the sunrise on the hilltop; and as always, exploring the city with nothing but some money and a trusty map.
To that end I'm really most surprised by this trip. Not only was my old flightmate on it, but the others also turned out to share quite a bit of my eagerness to explore. I'd not expected people to be so interested in wandering the city, and it was a real surprise to find so many people sharing my interest at least peripherally. Learned a lot on this trip, about group dynamics, how to go about exploring with so many people, the evils of alcohol (!!), how to speak rudimentary Thai, the UN of course, and the intriguing mix of their culture, the only truly genuine Southeast Asian culture.
Lots of things to think of too, now that we've shared so many more moments together. It's odd...today's the first day in a week when I didn't wake up with Kats in the room, and didn't have breakfast with everyone else. And I do miss our night walks...spending the night at home typing at the computer feels so...sedate. A lot of things happened in Thailand, but I don't think I'll be recording everything here. Got my trusty sketchbook, and expecting photos to come in from the others. Maybe raise some anecdotes when the proper time comes. I think that should be enough.
Anyway, here's a peek at Thailand...a small part of the only sketch I did on the trip, on a hillside resort in central Thailand. This was during sunrise, with Yvonne, YS and Ems. As always, sunrises remain some of the most special moments of the trip. The people who sleep through it really don't know what they're missing =P
